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Caring Relationships: Building Strong Families

The adults involved in a child's life--whether they're parents, teachers, relatives, or other caring adults--play an important role in that child's development. Building a strong network of caring adults for your children is one of the best things you can do to ensure that they grow up to be healthy, caring, and responsible.

Spending quality time together will not only strengthen your own relationship with your children, it can also encourage the creation of relationships with other adults. When you give your children the resources they need, they will enter adulthood well prepared.

Click on the links in the left menu to learn about the many different ways you can strengthen your relationship with your kids (and their relationships with others) while spending quality time together.


Did You Know?

  • According to Search Institute research, only 45 percent of middle- and high-school-aged youth surveyed indicate that they have three or more caring adults (other than their parents) who they can turn to for advice and support about important questions in life.1
  • Seventy-one percent of parents surveyed say it would really help them as parents to have other adults who they trust spend time with their kids.1
  • Many adults believe they should be supporting young people and want to find ways to do so. However, they worry about offending parents, being rejected, or not having what it takes to be a friend to a young person.1
  • Nearly 3 in 10 parents surveyed report no support from any source other than their spouse or partner—not even from extended family.Nearly 60 percent have only one source of support other than their spouse or partner.2

Frequent Questions and Concerns about Caring Relationships

Why do kids need other caring adults outside of their family?

Most happy, successful adults talk about the significant people who made a difference in their lives when they were children or teenagers. Many cite their parents, but many also talk about another important adult: a teacher, a coach, a club leader, or a neighbor. Having caring parents is only one factor that kids need to succeed. They also need other adults who care for, encourage, and support them.

What’s important in a caring relationship?

Being an adult friend or mentor is not as challenging as it seems. The adult simply needs to talk to the child, get to know the child well, and become fond of the child. Asking the child’s name is an easy place to start. Kids know right away which adults care about them—and which ones don’t. They gravitate toward adults who love being with them.

Why don’t more adults get involved in the lives of kids?

Many adults have never been asked. They don’t realize the potential they have to make a difference in a child’s life. Adults who are asked to read books aloud to preschoolers or to rock babies to sleep in a child-care nursery are often surprised how much they enjoy being with kids—and how much kids enjoy being with them. No one is too old or too young. No one needs experience. All they need to do is be themselves and be open to the wonders of a relationship with a child.

Why is it hard to get adults involved with teenagers?

Many adults are comfortable with young children but are afraid of teenagers. Our society has overemphasized the “horrors” of adolescence instead of the promise of it. Members of older generations sometimes are put off by the fashions, fads, and music that teenagers enjoy. Yet most adults who get involved with teenagers are surprised by how smart and enjoyable teens are. Many adults are reintroduced to hidden passions and interests they have after experiencing the enthusiasm of teenagers.

How do I make safe connections for my child?

Be very cautious about letting your children spend one-on-one, private time with another adult. Your kids may not see a problem with it, but it’s important for their safety that you know who they are with, where they will be, and what they will be doing. Make a strong effort to get to know your child’s adult friends and mentors, and encourage your child to introduce you to them. Be sure you are comfortable with how they treat your child, their values, and how they spend time together.

I feel weird asking for help—what do I say?

You may feel awkward asking another adult to spend time with your child, but remember how important it is to connect your child with other caring adults. Think about talking to the people you see frequently, such as your coworkers or extended family members. Ask them if they’d be willing to spend a little time with your child, especially if they share an interest. Start with an invitation, such as, “Would you like to join us for a basketball game this weekend? My daughter is on the varsity team, and I know she’d love to talk with someone who played in college.”

Creating a Supportive Team for Your Child

Your child is more likely to succeed if he or she has many supportive adults in his or her life. How many caring adults do kids need? According to Search Institute research, the more they have, the better. Two adults are better than one. Three are better than two. Four are better than three.

  • Talk with your children about the adult family members who are already important to them (such as aunts, uncles, and grandparents) as well as adults in the community and other places they spend time (school, youth organizations, faith community, and so on). If they do not know many adults, develop a plan together to expand their scope of contacts.
  • Encourage the adults you know and trust to spend more time with your children. Offer specific invitations for connections based on mutual interests.
  • Thank the adults who spend time with your kids. Notice those who make special efforts to be there for your children. These may include teachers, youth leaders, extended family members, neighbors, music instructors, tutors, bus drivers, and many other people in your children’s lives. Sending an ParentFurther e-card is an easy way to share your thanks.
  • Encourage your children to seek insights from other caring adults when they are facing important questions or decisions such as a getting a job, exploring higher education, working through relationships, or making financial choices.
  • If your children do not have a strong network of caring adults, consider finding new activities and places they would enjoy where they could build new relationships. These may include after-school activities or community organizations.

Every child needs a supportive network in their lives that includes relatives and adults from outside the family. By making an effort to connect your kids with other caring adults, you help create a network that your kids can rely on in times of need.

Getting Relatives Involved

Having extended family involved is a very different experience from one family to the next. Some might share a household with their extended family, while others live across the country or in different countries. Some are estranged from certain family members but still have contact with others. Regardless of your family situation, getting extended family involved in a child’s life can be a powerful and positive influence.

  • Invite relatives who live nearby to your child’s concerts, games, and school events. Aunts, uncles, and grandparents often enjoy watching a child grow and perform.
  • Encourage relationships to start and continue to grow. Encourage your children to call, e-mail, or draw pictures to mail to extended family members. Talk to your relatives about how much it means to your children when extended family members reach out to your kids.
  • Talk about the unique relationship an extended family member has with your child. Maybe a grandfather loves to take his grandkids to the zoo. Encourage that. Maybe an aunt likes to take her nieces and nephews fishing. Extended family members can find meaningful ways to connect with kids in the activities they both enjoy.
  • Include extended family in your holiday celebrations. For many kids, the holidays are not the same without their grandparents, a favorite cousin, or aunt or uncle.
  • Stay connected even when you’re far apart. With technology, it’s much easier to be in contact with extended family members who live across the country—or around the globe. Find easy ways for your kids and extended family to stay in touch in the Communication section.

Having relatives involved in your kids’ lives is not only beneficial for your children, but also for you—many parents find that being able to rely on relatives in time of need (be it for watching the kids for a while, offering support, or just talking) is a great help and reduces their levels of stress.

Spending Quality Time with Your Child

American pianist Michael Levine says, “Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.” To be an effective parent and have a healthy family, you need to spend time together. A number of families have found creative ways to do this so they can connect in meaningful, positive ways.

  • Designate a regular family time as part of your routine. Some families have a weekly family night. Others have a monthly family outing. Others have a daily family check-in during dinner or before bed. Figure out a routine that works for you and your family.
  • Have fun together. Do activities that make you laugh and enjoy being together. Some families play sports together. Others tell jokes. Others have special nights for watching movies or playing board games.
  • Get your kids’ input on how to spend family time. You may be surprised to learn that they want your family to get out more—or stay home more. Kids often have good ideas.
  • If you belong to a faith community, go to services together as a family. Participate in family-friendly events, such as family volunteering.
  • Eat meals together as a family. For discussion starters, visit Make Mealtime Family Time.
  • Your family often will bond more if you can get out of the house and do something together where you don’t know other people. Take a trip to another city, suburb, or county and discover what’s there. Go to a sporting event or a play. Visit a free museum. Spend some time in the park playing catch. Explore a playground across town.

All parents want to spend time with their kids—but it can be easy to lose sight of that sometimes. Make accommodations in your life so you can spend quality time with your children on a regular basis.

Caring Relationships: Summary and Next Steps

Creating a strong support network—for both yourself and your child—is one of the best things that you can do as a parent. In addition to helping relieve stress, these networks also provide your family a place to turn when in need of advice, support, or any other kind of help. Don’t forget that other parents and kids need support from caring relationships as well!

Books Available from Search Institute