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Friends: An Introduction


How can I be sure my child is choosing good friends?


Because your child's friends play such an important role in his or her life, it's crucial that you do what you can to make sure that those relationships are positive ones.
By staying informed and involved in your child's life, you can ensure that you're able to encourage positive relationships and help steer negative ones to a positive direction.
As a parent, you want to make sure that your child maintains positive relationships with her or his friends, but you also don’t want to seem intrusive by closely monitoring all of your child’s friendships. How do you create a balance?
  • Simple Tips for Encouraging Positive Relationships >
  • Parents Ask: Friendship FAQ's From Real Parents >  

    Did You Know?

    • Almost three out of four teenagers (72 percent) say they are good at making and keeping friends.1

    • Friends are often positive influences in children’s lives. In fact, 65 percent of teenagers surveyed by Search Institute say that their best friends model responsible behavior.2

    • Sixty-four percent of parents surveyed say they spend time each day getting to know their child’s friends. 3

    • Common Questions From Real Parents

    Q: What should I do if my child has a friend who is a negative influence?

    • First, it’s important to define exactly what about your child’s friend bothers you. Is the friend bringing out an aspect of your child you don’t like? Does the friend remind you of a negative experience you had in the past? Once you understand what bothers you, you can begin to take action. Ask your child what she likes in the friend. Try to get to know the friend’s parents. And if things start to get bad, talk to your child about the friend (being careful not to express your disapproval too strongly).

    Q: My teenager is spending all of her time with her new boyfriend, and I’m afraid that she’s ignoring her friends. What should I do?

    • A teenager falling in love can be upsetting and worrisome to parents, especially if the relationship is intense and moves quickly. Teenagers sometimes ignore all their other friends just to spend every moment with the person they’re dating. Acknowledge and respect the love that they feel, but talk about how it’s important to maintain other friendships as well.

    Q: I don’t like one of my child’s friends, but is that any of my business? Isn’t my child responsible for choosing his friends?

    Q: My child seems to be changing friends and friend groups all the time—is that normal?

    I’m worried about my child’s friend. What should I do?

    Encouraging Positive Relationships

    Choosing one’s friends is an important part of growing up. Kids will meet new people, join new groups, change friends, and develop new relationships many times before they truly find the group that they “fit” with. And although you can’t choose your children’s friends, you can have a positive influence on the relationships they make throughout their formative years. Use some of the following strategies to help your children build positive relationships with their friends.

     
    Encourage Diversity- Challenge your children to get to know kids from many different backgrounds and perspectives. In addition to exposing your kids to more diversity, it will also help them learn more about themselves.
     
    Avoid Criticism- Avoid criticizing friendships, but be honest with your kids when you’re concerned. Don’t: Condemn your child’s friends. This may make them defensive and less receptive to what you have to say. Do: Be open and willing to listen to what she has to say, and talk about what makes you nervous.
     
    Get Involved- If you feel that one of your child’s friends is having a negative influence on him, invite that friend to spend time with you and your child together so that you can have a positive influence on the relationship.
     
    Offer Advice- When talking about a friend who has a negative influence on your child, focus your comments on that friend’s behaviors, not on her personality. For example, instead of calling your child’s friend irresponsible for smoking, you could point out that the behavior has a negative effect on her health and recommend ways for your child to help her quit.
     
    Set Limits- Set limits on how much time your child spends with her friends—it’s important to develop positive relationships with family members as well.
     
    Engage in Community Service- Engage your family in service and volunteering (or join a social group) through a local congregation, school, or other nonprofit organization—these events can be great places to meet new friends, and often result in new positive relationships.

    Getting to Know Your Child's Friends

    One of the best ways that you can positively influence your child’s friendships is to stay involved. By getting to know your child’s friends, you can gain some insight into the relationships that your child is involved in—and keep an eye on those relationships to make sure that they stay positive. There’s a fine line between being involved and being nosy, and your kids may complain that you don’t give them enough space, but it’s important to maintain a presence in your child’s life and in their friendships.

     
    Create an Inviting Home- Make your home a place where your children’s friends like to hang out. (Snacks and soft drinks in the fridge always help!) Get to know them while they are relaxed and open to conversation.
     
    Know Their Names- Learn the names of all of your child’s friends. Some parents list their child’s friends in the family address book along with the names of their parents and contact information.
     
    Do: Monitor how your child reacts to you getting to know his friends. Some kids are okay with their parents getting to know their friends’ names, but they may not be too happy if they become overly friendly.
     
    Know Their Parents- Get to know the parents or guardians of your children’s friends. You will often find that they share your values and priorities and that you can work together to ensure that the friendships are positive for everyone.
     
    Attend Their Events- Whenever possible, attend school events. Ask your child to introduce you to her friends. Spend a few moments asking her friends about their likes and dislikes. Show that you’re interested in getting to know them.
     
    Vacation With Them- Young teenagers often don’t like to spend much time with their families, so allow them to invite a friend along during family activities. This can make family getaways and reunions more appealing, and it will give you the chance to get to know your children’s friends.

    Be Involved, Not Overbearing

    All children go through many phases with their friends. Sometimes they will belong to several groups and have a lot of friends. Sometimes they will only have a close group of a few friends. And sometimes they’ll shy away from being social with anyone. Everyone has to choose their friends while they’re growing up—talk to your child to make sure that he or she makes good decisions when choosing friends.

     
    Ask your child why she likes her friends. If she says she doesn’t know, ask her to think about it for a couple days and bring up the subject again later. Getting her to think about why she has the friends she does can help her make good decisions now and in the future.
     
    Try Reasoning- Similarly, if your child stops spending time with a friend or a group, ask about it. Keep in mind that some of your child’s reasons, such as “He picked me last when we played basketball at recess,” may sound silly to you, but they are very serious to your child—you can try to reason with him, but do so gently.
     
    Use Your Friendships- Talk to your child about the friendships you’ve had—why certain ones have lasted a long time, why others didn’t work out, and what you like about your friends.
     
    Talk About Priorities- Ask your child what she values in a friendship, and tell her what you value. You may find that your priorities in finding friends are very different.

    When You're Worried about Your Child's Friend

    It can be a tough situation when you’re worried about one of your child’s friends, especially if you and your child are also affected. There are many reasons you may become worried about your child’s friend—but no matter the cause, there are things you can do to make the situation better. Even if you don’t have a strong relationship with your child’s friend or that friend’s family, you can still make a difference. By helping your child help her or his friend—and possibly taking action yourself—you help build a community focused on helping kids succeed.

    Everyday Tips for Parents

    • Be a Source of Support- Remember that you can make a positive difference in the lives of your child’s friends.
    • Do:- Talk to your child about ways he can help his friends—encourage him to look on the Internet for programs, services, and opportunities for teens in need of help. Your child can then recommend these to a friend in need.
    • Do:- Get to know the parents of your kids’ friends and their parenting approaches. If you have concerns that affect your own children, it’s important that you address them.
    • Stick to the Facts- If there are adults in your life who parent in ways that differ from your own, do your best to separate your opinions from issues of real concern. If you do feel the need to raise concerns about the well-being of another child, stick to the facts as you know them and offer specific observations and examples. Most parents are very invested in their own parenting styles, so tread lightly.
    • Enforce the Realistic- If you notice your child becoming a caretaker for one of her friends, talk to her about what can reasonably be taken on. Being a listening friend is a perfect role—your child won’t always be able to solve problems that a friend is having.
    • Be a Safe Haven- Be the “safe place” and “safe person” for teens to go to when they are having trouble with their families or friends. Welcome them into your home at whatever level is comfortable for you. If a child actually “runs away” to your home, tell her you have a responsibility to let her parents know she is safe at your home.
    • Do:- When kids are in serious crises, help them connect with a professional who can assist them. Don’t:- take on more responsibility than you can handle.

    Thinking Further About Friendships

    A child’s social relationships are some of the strongest influences in her or his development. Kids’ friends influence them in all areas of their lives—at school, at home, and at work. Whether your children build positive relationships is largely up to them, but there are things you can do to help ensure that their friendships have a positive and lasting influence. By staying informed and doing what you can to create a positive community that includes your children, their friends, and their friends’ parents, you can help your children develop important life skills that will allow them to continue building positive relationships long into the future.

    Books Available from Search Institute

    • Parenting at the Speed of Teens — This easy-to-use guide contains practical, common-sense advice on everyday topics such as friends, stress, and jobs, as well as more serious issues, such as divorce, racism, and substance abuse.

    Other Useful Web Sites