ParentFurther

Peer Pressure: An Introduction

Parents, teachers, and kids talk about peer pressure all the time. They talk about how it has a strong influence on kids, and say that it can be a big problem in the school community. So what can parents do to help their kids resist peer pressure and have a positive influence on the other kids around them?

Did You Know?

Peer pressure has a strong effect on kids when it comes to risk behaviors:

Students surveyed in Logan County, Ohio, stated that peer pressure was one of the top three factors that influenced high school students to drink alcohol.¹

The smoking rate among kids who have three or more friends who smoke is 10 times higher than those who report that none of their friends smoke.²

The ability to resist peer pressure comes from a combination of many factors, including self-esteem, respect for others, and experience. And while you won’t always be there to get your child out of negative situations, you can help prepare her or him to be a positive influence on other kids and to make smart decisions, even in the face of peer pressure.

Frequent Questions and Concerns about Peer Pressure

I’m afraid that my child may be pressuring her friends into making bad choices. What can I do?

The first thing to do is talk to your child about it. See if you can find out why she’s pressuring her peers into making bad choices. (Many times it’s because your child wants to fit in with a particular group that makes those choices.) Ask her to think about the effect she’s having on her friends and the people around her, and offer some suggestions on how to turn negative peer pressure into a positive influence.

Why is peer pressure such a big deal? Can’t kids just say no?

Some children are better able to say no than others, but most find it very difficult to make the right decisions when they’re being pressured into the wrong ones. Especially in the tween and teen years, kids feel a strong desire to fit in with their friends and other social groups. If any of these groups are pressuring them into doing something, it can be very difficult to say no, because it usually means giving up a friendship or social status. It’s important to help your child resist peer pressure, but be sympathetic—it can be really hard to stand up to it.

I want my child to make good decisions, but I also want him to have friends. How can I help him find a balance between sticking up for himself and keeping his friends?

If your child finds that he often has to stick up for himself in the face of negative peer pressure, it’s probably a sign that he isn’t hanging out with the right crowd. Having positive relationships with his friends means that they encourage developing strong values and making good decisions. If your child feels pressured much of the time, maybe it’s time for him to start making different choices when it comes to friends. As a parent, you are often better able than your child to judge when he is in a bad situation—so help him make good choices when it comes to the friends he spends time with.

Should my child avoid being friends with anyone who pressures her into making bad decisions?

Although it’s good for your child to avoid spending time with people who put her in negative situations, it’s also important to remember that she can have a positive influence on other children. If her friends are making negative decisions, she has the opportunity to help them start to make better choices and see improvements in their lives. By instilling a sense of self-confidence and positive personal identity in your child, you can help her resist peer pressure and have a positive effect on her peers.

What Is Peer Pressure?

Parents hear talk about peer pressure all the time. Schools talk to their students about it. But do you really know what peer pressure is? Put simply, peer pressure is the effect the people around your child have on her or his decisions. And though this seems simple, peer pressure can be a complicated issue with many different facets.

It’s important to understand that there are both positive and negative peer pressures. Positive peer pressure helps your child make the right choices, and results from having a group of friends with positive values. Negative peer pressure makes it difficult for your child to make positive choices, even if he knows the right thing to do.
While peer pressure is usually talked about in the context of middle and high school students, it affects kids of all ages. Even very young children can experience peer pressure when they enter into social situations, such as preschool or child care.
Many parents think of peer pressure as having to do with such behaviors as drinking, drugs, and sex. However, kids can feel pressured into many other things, such as dressing a certain way, treating other people a certain way, or driving with too many other kids in the car.

Keep in mind that one of the most common sources of peer pressure is a child’s desire to fit in with a specific group. You can address this issue ahead of time by helping your child cultivate a sense of self-esteem and empowerment.

If your child gets into a negative situation and there are other kids involved, it’s fairly likely that some negative peer pressure was involved. You can help prevent these situations by preparing your child to make the right decisions, even in the face of intense pressure.

Resisting Negative Peer Pressure

Kids experience peer pressure every day—from their friends, their classmates, their coworkers, and many others. While positive peer pressure is something to be encouraged, negative peer pressure can cause many difficulties in your child’s life. You can help your kids resist negative peer pressure by taking the time to talk with them about it and helping them develop the tools and skills they need.

Talk with your child about her friends—ask what she likes most about them, how they handle conflicts, and if they bring out the best in her. Try to find out more about how your child feels when she is around her friends.
Beginning when your child is in elementary school, talk about the cost of saying no. It can be hard to say no, because it can often cost something: a friendship, social status, or something else that means a lot to your child. Let him know you understand how difficult it can be.
Ask your child if she sees examples of negative peer pressure at school or within her group of friends. Talk about the different ways in which people experience peer pressure.
Role-play different scenarios with your child so he has practice saying no in difficult situations. During these role-plays, focus on the following effective resistance skills:
- Get the attention of the person(s) doing the negative pressuring (use her name, make eye contact, and say “Please listen to me!”).
- State your “no” decision (use “I” messages and a firm voice, and reinforce the decision with body language).
- When pressured, use self-control (restate the “no” decision, suggest an alternative subject, if appropriate, or simply leave).

Try other ways to say no (such as using humor, changing the focus of the conversation, reversing the pressure in a positive direction, or recruiting other help).

Tell your child stories from your past about how you dealt with peer pressure. If you were able to resist negative peer pressure, explain why, and what you did to deal with the situation. If you were pressured into doing something you didn’t want to do, what were the consequences? How did you feel?
Teach your children excuses for getting out of tough situations. Saying things like “I have to meet up with my family—we’re going out for dinner tonight” or “My parents would kill me if I did that, so I can’t” can be effective ways to say no when it’s tough.

Make an effort to cultivate a positive personal identity and self-esteem in your child. If your child has low self-esteem he will be much more susceptible to negative peer pressure, and it may cause problems in the future. Address this problem before it starts by building self-esteem early and continuing throughout your child’s life.

Resisting peer pressure isn’t easy—in fact, it’s very difficult. But if your child is prepared to make positive decisions, even in the face of negative pressure, he or she will be ready to resist peer pressure and make smart, well-informed decisions. Help your child be ready to tackle these challenges and support him or her in tough situations.

Encouraging Positive Peer Pressure

When most people say “peer pressure,” they’re talking about negative peer pressure. There is another side of this issue, though—positive peer pressure. Many people don’t realize that peer pressure can have a positive effect on children, but kids have the opportunity to be a positive influence in the lives of other children by encouraging them to do good things.

Encourage your children to be a positive influence on their friends. Calling it “positive peer pressure” may be confusing, but telling your kids they can help their friends make the right choices can go a long way.
Model positive peer pressure in your own life—if one of your friends or family members is contemplating a tough decision, encourage him to make positive choices. Don’t be too forceful, but offer helpful advice and encouragement so he’s more likely to make the right decision.
When you suspect that your children are engaging in negative peer pressure, suggest that they think more carefully about what they are encouraging other kids to do. Get your children to think about the effect they have on others. How can they have a more positive influence?

If you see your child being overly forceful trying to get another child to make a choice (whether positive or negative), let her know that all kids need to learn to make their own decisions. Remind her that offering advice and giving good reasons for making a positive decision are the best ways to help someone make good choices.

Even if you don’t think of peer pressure as being positive, your children can have a good influence on the other children around them. Help your kids be a positive influence on their peers by preparing them to resist negative peer pressure, make smart decisions, and encourage the kids around them to make positive decisions as well.

Peer Pressure: Summary and Next Steps

Peer pressure is a tough issue for parents and for kids. But while peer pressure can have many negative effects on kids, it can also be put to positive use. You can help prepare your child to deal with peer pressure by instilling self-confidence and good decision-making skills in her or him. Encouraging your child to exert a positive influence on her or his friends can help counteract some of the negative effects of peer pressure in your child’s life.