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Early Sexual Activity: An Introduction

Who has the most influence on whether your child engages in early sexual behaviors? You do.1 That’s why it’s so important for parents to talk to their kids about sex and to give them clear guidelines about what is expected—and why. What exactly does “early” mean? Most parents and sex educators would hope it means before graduating from high school, but today only 35 percent of kids abstain from sexual intercourse until they’re 18.2 Tips for encouraging abstinence >
The asset-building approach encourages kids to abstain from early sexual activity. In fact, kids who value restraint and believe it’s important not to be sexually active (along with not using alcohol and other drugs) are more likely to succeed.


Did You Know?

  • According to Search Institute research, only 3 percent of middle and high school-aged youth with high levels of Developmental Assets indicate that they have had sexual intercourse. This contrasts sharply with the 33 percent of young people who have few assets and have had sex.
    • Tips for encouraging abstinence >
  • Even though teenagers are more likely to have sexual intercourse as they get older, having more assets keeps many from doing so. While 17 percent of high school seniors with 31 to 40 Developmental Assets say they have had sexual intercourse, 59 percent of high school seniors with 10 or fewer Developmental Assets report having sex.
  • High-school girls are most at risk when it comes to early sexual activity. Sixty-nine percent of high school senior girls who have 10 assets or fewer have sexual intercourse, compared to 54 percent of guys.3

Frequent Questions and Concerns about Early Sexual Activity

What can I do to prevent teen sexual activity?

Talk about your values and why you have the values that you do. Teenagers want to hear from their parents—and they do listen (even if it may not seem like it). Acknowledge teen sexuality and that your teenager has sexual feelings, but also point out that she doesn’t need to act on those feelings. Talk about which sexual activities you feel are okay for teens and which aren’t. Be explicit. What do you think of teen kissing, holding hands, snuggling, touching private parts, oral sex, and sexual intercourse?

Another step that you can take is to prevent your children from viewing adult-targeted media. In a recent study, Children’s Hospital of Boston discovered that younger children exposed to adult-themed television and movies become sexually active earlier during adolescence. By keeping a close eye on what your child is viewing on television, in movies, and on the internet, you can decrease the chance that your child will engage in early sexual activity.

Read more about Children’s Hospital of Boston’s study.
Find tips on making sure your child’s media exposure is positive.

What effect does early sexual activity have on teenagers?

Early sexual activity puts teens at risk for pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, and females who have sexual intercourse at a young age and have multiple partners have a higher rate of cervical cancer.1 Researchers are also studying the relationship of teen sexual activity with sexual dysfunction later in life. In addition, early sexual activity has been correlated with dependency and low self-esteem. Researchers in the field of child and adolescent development consider early sexual activity a risky behavior. Some sexually active teens lose their reputations along with their virginity, and the labels that others place on them can be painful and long-lasting.

How young are kids starting to have intercourse?

Even if your child is not yet a teen, sexual activity is an issue you should be thinking about. Seven percent of young people had sexual intercourse before age 13, according to a report from the Centers for Disease Control.3 Having sexual intercourse before age 13 is more likely among guys (10%) than girls (4%). It’s also more common among African-Americans (16%) and Hispanics (8%) compared to whites (4%). About 48 percent of all teenagers have had sexual intercourse, though many have had it only once. The percentage increases as kids get older.4

One of the best ways that you can lay a solid foundation for preventing early sexual activity is by instilling positive values—especially restraint—in your child. Talk about your values often, and explain to your child that abstaining from early sexual activity is one of the ways in which he can act out those values.

Get advice on teaching kids to value restraint.

What do I do if my teen is seeing someone?

Emphasize that getting to know someone is much more than being sexual and moving toward sexual activity and intercourse. It’s about learning how to build a healthy relationship with someone. It’s about getting to know yourself and learning how to have a close relationship. Seeing someone should be fun—it shouldn’t be a high-pressured situation where kids feel like they need to act in certain ways, including being sexually active. Acknowledge that everyone has sexual feelings. Point out that even though it may seem that “everyone is having sex,” or that most teens engage in sexual activity, this just isn’t true. Most teenagers who have a high number of Developmental Assets are not having sexual intercourse.5 As your teenager dates, keep the lines of communication open. As relationships get closer, teens are more tempted to become sexually active.

Read more about teen relationships and sexual activity.

Encouraging Abstinence

Early sexual activity carries both physical and emotional risks. Kids need to understand the risks as well as be able to recognize sexual pressure and how to deal with their sexual feelings. Research reveals that kids are more likely to postpone sexual activity if their parents ask them to. In fact, 9 out of 10 young people said it would be easier to not become sexually active as teens if they had more conversations with their parents.1 How can you encourage your child to say no to early sexual activity?

Encouraging Abstinence from Teen Sexual Activity

  • Make the case that you want your teenager to say no to sexual intercourse. Tell him that most teens are not having sexual intercourse and that kids are more likely to succeed in life when they postpone having sexual intercourse until they’re older.
  • Be honest (and explicit) about your opinions on which sexual activities are okay (and not okay) for teens. What do you think of oral sex? Touching another person’s private parts? Masturbation? Kissing? Holding hands? Why?
  • Be frank about how your kids are getting bombarded with messages from the media about teen sexual activity. Try to limit what your child sees, and talk about what she is observing. Researchers found that teenagers who watched a lot of sexual content on television were twice as likely to experience a teen pregnancy within the subsequent three years compared to their peers who saw much less.2
  • Teenagers are more likely to have sexual intercourse when they are under the influence of alcohol or drugs.3 Read Underage Alcohol Use to find tips and advice on how to teach your child to make good choices regarding alcohol.
  • Talk about your values. Which values are important to you, and why? Act on those values. Values can include respect, self-control, honesty, equality, integrity, and more. Six positive values (caring, equality and social justice, integrity, honesty, responsibility, and restraint) are included on the list of Developmental Assets.

Talking about teens and sex makes many parents very uncomfortable. But it’s the only way to make sure that your child has the necessary knowledge and positive values to make good decisions when it comes to early sexual activity. Make sure that you take the time to explain your values and what you expect of your child before she gets her sexual education somewhere else.

Promoting Healthy Teen Relationships

Part of growing up well is to not only develop a strong, healthy identity, but also to connect well with other people. Unfortunately, the media often gives the impression that the best way to connect is through sexual activity or “hooking up.” In reality, strong relationships require a lot of talking, give-and-take, and working through issues together.

Teen Relationships and Sexual Activity

  • Emphasize the excitement of getting to know someone well. It’s important to become attracted to a person’s ideas and personality in addition to feeling physically attracted. Point out how both adult and teen relationships deepen by talking about hopes and dreams and getting to know each other. For teenagers, sexual activity often gets in the way and complicates relationships.^1^
  • Talk about how sexual intercourse is not something that everyone is doing all the time. Explain that even married couples that deeply love each other abstain from sex for periods of time. Why? Because one may have a job that involves travel. One may get sick. One may not feel sexual. They may not want children. Adolescence is a stage in life when it’s smart to abstain from sex.
  • Model positive ways to show your love to your partner or spouse. Hold hands. Kiss. Snuggle. Spend time together. Show how your relationship is built on mutual trust, love, and respect, not solely on sexual activity.
  • Remind your teenager to have fun with relationships. It’s fun to get to know someone and to spend time together. Emphasize the fun and silly parts of seeing someone, and how sexually active teens can sometimes miss out on these things. Talk about how the best relationships move slowly.
  • Talk about how teens need to have many different kinds of relationships. If your child is seeing someone, it’s also important that he spends time with his friends and family—in addition to whom he is dating. Too many teenage relationships become serious too quickly, and kids end up cutting off relationships with everyone else in favor of the one they’re dating.
  • Emphasize the romance of relationships. It can be exciting to hold hands or to kiss passionately. Teenagers—like adults—don’t need to have sexual intercourse to express their love for someone else.

    • There are many ways that kids can connect with others without having sex, and pointing this out to your child is a good way to help her decide not to engage in early sexual activity. Pressures, expectations, and perceptions can make teens think that having sex is the best way to show affection, but you can help them understand the truth of the situation by talking with them about this tough issue.

    What If My Teen Is Sexually Active?

    Sometimes teenagers become sexually active. It happens. Not all teenagers who have sexual intercourse, however, use birth control.1 As a result, they’re likely to experience a teen pregnancy or get a sexually transmitted infection (STI). The most important thing that you can do to prevent these consequences is to talk with your child about early sexual activity.

    Preventing Teen Sexual Activity

    • Tell your kids how you feel. Explain how most teenagers who have had sexual intercourse wish they had waited.2 Just because teens have had sexual intercourse once, or a few times, doesn’t mean that they have to keep doing it. The same goes for all teen sexual activity.
    • If your teenager tells you that he is thinking about having sexual intercourse, ask these questions, which will get your teen thinking about the many complicated facets of teen sexuality:
      • Why are you interested in having sex?
      • Are you feeling pressured? Are you pressuring someone else?
      • Are you afraid of losing a boyfriend or girlfriend if you don’t?
      • Are you willing to take responsibility for birth control?
      • Do you understand the risks involved in teen sexual activity?
      • Are you open to reconsidering your decision?
    • If your teen is sexually active and plans to continue, encourage your him to use birth control. You do not want your teenager to get pregnant, father a child, or contract an STI.
    • Be clear that all it takes is one time to get (or to get someone else) pregnant. The only sure way to prevent teen pregnancy is abstinence from sexual intercourse.
    • Stay connected with your teen. Teen sexuality is a difficult issue for many people to deal with. Keep talking about it with your child.

    Finding out that your teen is sexually active can be a stressful experience, but by concentrating on helping him make good, well-informed decisions, you can have a positive effect on the situation. Avoid condemning your child, as this will only result in him being defensive and the situation becoming more difficult.

    What If My Child Is Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgender?

    It can be confusing for teenagers to sort out their sexual feelings. If a girl feels attracted to another girl or a boy gets aroused in a guy’s locker room, they may quickly jump to conclusions about their sexuality. It’s not unusual for heterosexuals to feel attracted to members of the same sex. Just because your teenager is attracted to members of both sexes doesn’t mean that she is bisexual. At the same time, more and more middle schoolers are coming out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender (GLBT).1 Sexual identity, like other aspects of identity, unfolds throughout life.

    Supporting GLBT Youth and Teens

    • Listen. Find out what your teenager has to say about sexuality. Ask questions. Keep talking about this subject.
    • Give yourself (and your child) time to assimilate the information once you learn about it. It can take a while to get used to the idea, especially because we still live in a society that highly values heterosexuality.
    • Encourage kids to use correct words, such as homosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender. Sometimes kids struggling with their own sexual identity (particularly if they’ve been taught that it’s shameful) can become involved in name-calling. Be clear that this is not acceptable.
    • Be discreet. Even though there are a growing number of people who are open and affirming to GLBT youth, there are still many people who are not. This doesn’t mean a gay teenager should suppress his identity, but he’ll be less likely to be bullied or teased if he doesn’t tell everyone about his sexuality. Talk with your child about the pros and cons of coming out, how far, to whom, what the consequences could be, and how to deal with others’ reactions. For some kids, coming out can be one of the healthiest things they’ve ever done. For others, it could be one of the most dangerous. GLBT teens need a lot of support, so be sure to be affirming and positive.
    • Talk to your child about his or her safety. Nine out of 10 GLBT youth are harassed at school. Three out of 5 feel unsafe at school because of their sexual orientation. One out of 3 has skipped a day of school because of feeling unsafe.3
    • Explain that for GLBT youth, just like heterosexual youth, sexual orientation is only one part of a person’s identity. Most people do not make a big deal about their sexuality. It’s just part of who they are. Encourage your teenager to also develop other aspects of his identity, such as finding interests that excite him and developing a strong sense of self-confidence.

    No matter how you feel about your child’s sexual orientation, remember that she is still your child. Coming to terms with one’s sexual identity isn’t easy, and everyone—especially GLBT youth—needs strong support throughout this tough time. Be there for your child, whatever the situation may be.

    Early Sexual Activity: Summary and Next Steps

    Early sexual activity is an issue that many parents aren’t comfortable addressing with their children, and it’s easy to say “If they’re going to have sex, I can’t stop them.” But it’s important to talk to your child, educate him about the subject, and lay a foundation of positive values that he can draw on when it comes time to make difficult decisions about sex. Keep the lines of communication open, be honest and supportive, and your child will be well-prepared to take informed, positive action.

    More Useful Web Sites

    • Sex. Really. — An insightful site about relationships, love, and sex for “20-somethings.” Hosts a blog and podcast series from Laura Stepp, a noted journalist and author with a talent for talking to young people about sex.