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Discipline: A Balancing Act

Setting boundaries and expectations—and enforcing them with discipline when needed—is required for the healthy development of your children. By viewing discipline as teaching your child, instead of punishing your child, you can help your child develop responsibility, self-esteem, confidence, and a positive personal identity. Having clear, consistent boundaries also helps children feel safe and secure.

Why Discipline Matters:

  • Only 48 percent of teenagers surveyed indicate that their family has clearly defined boundaries, which includes having clear rules and consequences and having parents that monitor their teens’ whereabouts.1

    • Tips for Discussing Boundaries >
  • Did You Know? Girls are more likely than boys to say that their parents keep track of their whereabouts. A full 86 percent of girls (and 77 percent of boys) say their parents ask where they are going and who they will be with most or all of the time.1

Frequent Questions and Concerns about Discipline

What do I do if my child doesn’t respond to discipline?

Many parents find themselves in this situation—a child continues breaking a rule, despite repeated enforcement of consequences. One of the best ways to address this issue is to enlist the help of other adults. You can talk to parents of older children who may have also gone through this experience, and see what helped them, or ask a school counselor or parent educator about how to deal with a specific behavior. If your child has meaningful relationships with other adults, you can also ask them about disciplinary issues that may arise.

Should I discontinue my child’s allowance as a punishment?

To avoid developing a “money defines what is right and wrong” attitude in your child, you should keep money out of your disciplinary methods. Instead of withholding allowance, have your child complete one of her or his sibling’s chores for the week, or bar your teenager from using the car for a couple days. There are many disciplinary measures that are just as effective as money-based ones and are better for promoting positive development.

How do I know if my child’s behavior is a sign of more serious problems?

Your child’s teacher or school counselor may be able to offer insights into your child’s behavioral problems. If you think that your child is misbehaving or having trouble with discipline because of a more serious underlying issue, you can also speak with a child psychiatrist or children’s counselor. Schools and congregations also sometimes offer workshop on discipline which offer many useful insights and strategies, including signs of more serious behavioral issues.

Why should I involve my child in the boundary-setting process?

Involving your child in setting boundaries is a great way to help them understand why you have the expectations that you do. Try these:

  1. Observe the boundaries of other families (neighbors, relatives, television families, and so on). Discuss what’s appropriate and what’s not for your family and why.
  2. Meet monthly to discuss your family’s boundaries. Are they fair? Do they still fit? Do they reflect your family’s values? Adjust them if needed.
  1. When your kids make a case for changing your family’s boundaries, pay attention. Even if you disagree, let them know that you’re listening to their reasons and thinking about what they have to say.

How do I know when I should change the boundaries I’ve set for my children?

Boundaries and expectations can change for many reasons. One of the most common is getting older—a young child will have different boundaries than a teenager. You may change your family’s boundaries if you move to a new home, welcome another child into your family, or when your teen gets a job. You can also let your child earn new freedoms as he or she shows more responsibility.

Teens and Boundaries

One of the things that define the teen years for many parents is difficulty with boundaries and discipline. Teens are eager to assert their independence, and this can often conflict with the rules you’ve set for your family. Dealing positively with these conflicts is important and will set a good example for your teen as he or she matures into adulthood.

  • Let your teen know you understand her need for independence, but it’s important to maintain family boundaries as well. Share a story from your teen years about when you broke a rule, what the consequences were, and what you learned from the experience.
  • Don’t get overly angry with your teenager for misbehavior. If you have set appropriate expectations for behavior, all you have to say when your teenager misbehaves is, “You knew what the rules were and what the consequences would be.” Convey that the consequences are a result of your teen’s behavior. This helps teenagers understand that they are ultimately accountable for their actions.
  • Negotiate rules with your teenager—teens are much more likely to obey rules if they have a say in the creation of them. They are also more likely to obey rules if they understand the reasons behind those rules, so explain to your teen why you’ve chosen the boundaries that you have.
  • As kids enter puberty, their behavior can change drastically. Continue to monitor which behaviors your child has trouble with and help them improve those behaviors.
  • It is almost always a good idea to allow natural consequences to play out in the situation—be supportive, but let your teen deal with the resulting consequences. For example, if your teen is serving time in after-school detention, make her responsible for calling her employer to rearrange her work schedule. Resist the temptation to bail your teen out or minimize consequences.
  • Keep money out of your discipline methods. Don’t give kids money to entice them to do something, and don’t cut their allowance for misbehavior. Find other positive methods to deal with behavioral issues.
  • Curfews are an especially contentious issue with teens—be sure to make these decisions before your teen is begging to go out for the evening.
  • It’s especially important to follow through on the consequences you have set for your children. Giving in or letting your child talk you out of enforcing your rules reduces your credibility as a parent, and your child may grow up thinking that boundaries aren’t important.

Boundaries and discipline can (and probably will) become sensitive issues during your child’s teen years. But with open communication, some forethought, and a lot of patience, you can set boundaries and enforce consequences in a fair manner that will help your teen learn valuable lessons for the future.

Young Children and Discipline

In many parents’ opinion, there are two times when setting boundaries and dealing with discipline are the most difficult—early childhood and the teenage years. In both periods, your children will test you to see how much they can get away with, if you’ll actually enforce the rules you’ve set, and if they can break rules without you knowing. To make these times easier, start by setting a good example early in your child’s life.

  • Approach discipline as a method of teaching, rather than punishing, your child. Your kids will be more open to learning and changing their ways if they don’t feel threatened, shamed, or punished.
  • Before 12 months of age, distraction is the best way to discipline your child. Do whatever you can to refocus his attention on something else.
  • Once your child reaches two years of age, it’s time to start talking about which behaviors are right and wrong, and why. This requires negotiating with your child, pointing out why a behavior is wrong, alerting your child to the consequences of her behavior, and talking specifically about what’s right and wrong so she begins to internalize these messages.
  • Instead of denying that you’ve been inconsistent, admit when you’ve made a mistake, and talk about how both kids and adults need to follow rules and boundaries.
  • Talk with other parents about your experience. Young children can be difficult to discipline, and other parents may be able to offer advice and share their experiences with young kids and discipline.
  • If you have a parenting partner, discuss your views on discipline and boundaries, and make sure that you are sending consistent messages to your child. This will make it easier for your child to learn your family’s boundaries and will make the use of discipline more effective as a teaching tool.

When your child reaches school age, start paying attention to behavior in school as well as at home. By staying in close contact with your child’s teacher, you can make sure that the boundaries are consistent in both places.

  • If your child is having disciplinary issues, make an appointment to speak with her teacher to discuss the problem behavior.
  • Be patient in working with difficult behaviors—it can often take a long time for children to learn new things like raising their hand in class, sitting still in a chair, or doing homework every night.
  • If your child is having behavioral issues at school, talk to your child’s teacher or a school counselor about how you might be able to make positive changes.
  • Maintain consistent, high expectations for your child, and make sure to enforce any consequences you’ve agreed upon, so that your child connects his actions with the consequences.

Setting boundaries and enforcing discipline can be especially frustrating with young children, but don’t give up. Setting a good example and teaching your child to live with boundaries are important in kids’ development. And remember—just like any other phase, this one will pass.

Discussing Boundaries

It can seem like most of the “talking” about boundaries you do is battling with your children over curfews or other rules you’ve set. But it is possible to have calm, insightful conversations about the boundaries your family has—and it can be a great way to get your child’s input on your household rules and expectations. Try a few of the following conversation starters.

  • How does our family compare to others in regard to discipline? This discussion can help you explain why you hold the values you do and how those values inform the boundaries you’ve set.
  • Is our family too lenient, too harsh, or just right in enforcing boundaries? Why? By asking for your child’s honest opinion, you can open the door to a discussion that will offer insight into what your child thinks about your family’s rules, and give you the opportunity to discuss them at length.
  • What important lessons have you learned after breaking a rule? This is a good time to talk about the boundaries you had when you were young, and the lessons you learned after violating one.
  • Which values do you think our family’s boundaries express? By helping your child understand your reasons behind the boundaries you’ve set, you can help her understand that you don’t set boundaries to limit her, but to help her grow into a healthy, caring, and responsible adult.

Your child may not always be open to calmly discussing your family’s boundaries, but it’s very beneficial to talk about what’s working and what’s not. Really listen to what your kid has to say, and think about what you can do to set boundaries that not only keep your child safe but are fair to everyone involved.

Boundaries as a Family Decision

One of the best ways to ensure that all of your family members understand the boundaries you’ve set and the values behind them is to make boundary setting a family activity. If you involve everyone in your household, everyone’s voice will be heard and all members of the family will be held accountable if they violate a boundary.

  • Discuss your expectations, rules, and consequences regularly (at least annually). Get the input of the entire family. If your children think a boundary should be changed, allow them to state their reasons for the suggestion, and explain your reasons for accepting or denying the changes.
  • Write up a list of your family’s rules, and have every member of your family (including parents) sign it. Post it where everyone can see it, such as on the refrigerator.
  • Hold yourself accountable as well. If you violate a boundary your family has set, discuss it with your kids and let them know that rules and consequences also apply to adults.
  • As your kids age, make sure to talk to them about how boundaries reflect a family’s values, and encourage them to set boundaries for themselves based on their own values.
  • Sometimes your family’s boundaries change (especially as kids get older). When you need to adjust the rules, talk with your kids about it, and let them know that changing boundaries come with increased responsibility.

Setting boundaries isn’t easy. You want to make sure you’re being reasonable while still keeping your kids safe. You want your children to feel that their input matters, but you don’t want to just acquiesce to their requests for looser boundaries. That’s why setting boundaries as a family is important—by getting everyone’s input and having a calm, reasoned discussion, you can make good decisions about boundaries and discipline for your family.

Discipline: Summary and Next Steps

Setting boundaries and enforcing them with consequences is not an easy task. In fact, it can be one of the most difficult parts of parenting. But by using a positive approach to discipline, you can turn contentious times into learning experiences for both you and your child. Certain phases in your child’s life—especially early childhood and the teen years—can be frustrating and difficult, but by maintaining a positive attitude and continuing to teach your child, you can ensure that he or she develops a strong sense of boundaries and discipline that will be beneficial in the future.

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