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Quiz: Staying Safe Online

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Driving Safety

Teen Drivers

  • Some states allow 14- or 15-year-olds to get learner’s driving permits. You have the right to decide whether your teen is ready for it at this age. When you do decide that your child is ready to begin learning supervised driving skills, teach her carefully yourself and enroll her in a comprehensive driving course. These courses are often available through local high schools.
  • Make sure your teenager always wears a seat belt when he rides in or drives a car. Watch to make sure he doesn’t secure the seat belt and then sit on it instead of wearing it.
  • Be clear on what you expect when your teenager drives (or rides in a car with a teenage driver). Get advice from the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry’s Helping Your Teen Become a Safe Driver.
  • Emphasize that getting a driver’s license is a privilege, not a right. As a parent, you have the final say in whether your teen is ready to get a license. According to the Federal Highway Administration, only 30 percent of 16-year-olds get a driver’s license, compared to 44 percent who got them 10 years earlier in 1998. It’s okay for you to have your teenager wait until she is older if you feel she’s not ready for a license at 16.
  • Insuring a teen driver can be expensive, but it’s crucial that your teen is covered by an auto insurance policy, whether it’s your teen’s or yours. In many states, it’s illegal to drive a vehicle without insurance, and having an accident while uninsured can be extremely costly, so make sure your teen is covered.
  • Carefully weigh the pros and cons of having your teen get a driver’s license or riding with other teen drivers. (Your teenager will start riding with licensed drivers as soon as the opportunity arises.) Monitor who your teenager is riding with and what kind of driver that teenager is.
  • Don’t be surprised if your child gets a ticket or has a fender bender the first year of having a driver’s license. Many teenagers do. The longer your teenager drives without an accident or ticket, the better.

Kids Riding with Teenage Drivers

  • Whenever your child is getting a ride from someone else, pay attention to the driver. Don’t assume a parent is picking up your child—it may be a new teenage driver behind the wheel.
  • Stress to your child the importance of always wearing seat belts when she rides with someone else. Make sure she understands why she needs to always use a seat belt—even if she is the only one in the car doing so.
  • Ask your child to pay attention to how other people drive. Once he does so, he may have strong opinions about whom he will ride with—and whom he won’t.
  • Be aware that different families have different driving rules. Some families phase in a teenager’s driver’s license by having them drive alone for a period of time before they start adding one passenger at a time. Other families view a driver’s license as the right for a teenager to drive right away with as many kids as they can stuff into the car.
  • Offer to pick your child up if she doesn’t feel safe riding with another teenager—or if the teenage driver has been drinking or using drugs. It’s much better to pick up a teenager than to have her risk her life with an unsafe driver.
  • Compliment teen drivers when you see them making good choices. Even though teenagers (as a group) have the worst driving record of any age group, some are working hard to become good drivers.

7 alarming facts you need to know about the way we live.

7 Facts You Need To Know:

1. The United States ranks 28th in the world for mothers’ and children’s health, educational, political, and economic status.1
2. The United States has one of the highest maternal mortality rates among wealthy countries.2 One out of 4,800 pregnant women in the United States dies during childbirth.3 (The same is true for only one out of 47,600 pregnant women in Ireland.4)
3. Thirty-eight countries perform better than the United States for children living until at least the age of 5 years,5 including Croatia, Cuba, and Malaysia.6
4. The United States has the worst maternity leave policy of the 43 wealthiest countries in the world.7 The U.S. grants an average of 12 weeks for maternity leave without pay;8 Sweden, gives mothers 480 days with about 80 percent of the mother’s wages being paid.9 Albania, Bosnia, Croatia, Denmark, Norway, Serbia, and United Kingdom all give 46 weeks to more than one year for maternity leave with 50 to 100 percent pay.10
5. Only 61 percent of young children in the United States attend preschool,11 while Australia, Belarus, Belgium, the Czech Republic, France, Germany, Italy, Malta, the Netherlands, Spain, Sweden, and Switzerland all boast a 100 percent preschool enrollment.12
6. Currently, women hold 17 percent of the seats in the U.S. House of Representatives.13 Countries such as Bosnia and Lithuania have better percentages.14
7. One recommended solution by the Save the Children report is to “harness the power of women-to-women relationships to improve health outcomes for mothers and children.15 When women know how to care well for new mothers and newborns, newborn mortality can drop by up to 45 percent.16

Here’s My Take on It:

I like to see myself as a world citizen in addition to being a U.S. citizen. Because of this worldview, I’m always interested in seeing which countries lead the way in bringing out the best in children and families. I admire the individuals and organizations that work hard to make each country a better place for families. It bothers me, however, that an affluent country such as ours lags behind so many countries. Too often it seems we’re more interested in the simplistic view of only boosting the bottom line economically rather than creating ways for families to thrive and be productive citizens.

Wouldn’t our country be more competitive and better off if we invested in children and parents in terms of their health care, their education, and their economics? According to this report, the “have-nots” are outpacing the “haves” in this country. If we keep going in this direction, the United States will keep falling further and further behind, to the detriment of our children.

Take Action!

Ask your partner or friend: “How can we learn from other countries that rank high on Save the Children’s 2010 Mothers’ Index?"

Explore Further

What does the United States need to do to improve the welfare of mothers, newborns, and young children? Share your comments below.

*Footnotes*
1-16. Save the Children, Women on the Front Lines of Healthcare: State of the World’s Mothers,% %{font-size:8px}2010, May 2010.

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Getting into the School Routine after Summer Break

Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.
—William Butler Yeats, poet

Whenever your kids have a summer break from school, it may seem like an uphill battle to get them back into the school routine. Their sleep schedule may be off. Their enthusiasm may be low (or non-existent). And they may balk at going back to school. Whether your child goes to a year-round school or one that has a three-month summer break, consider these ideas to get kids back into the school routine.

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Be compassionate. Summer breaks are like vacations. Think about what it’s like for you to make the transition back from a great vacation (yes, it’s not fair that kids get so many more breaks than you do, but try to focus on that tough transition).
    • Talk about the value of education. Even if school isn’t always easy, that doesn’t mean that it’s not important. Emphasize how working hard at school helps kids to succeed. Consider using some of the ideas on emphasizing the value of school from What Kids Need to Succeed.
    • Even though summer break is over, continue to have fun with your kids. Set aside some time each week to spend having fun together as a family.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Keep young children on the same daily routine (if possible) whether they’re going to preschool or not. This helps to keep their energy and moods at an even keel.
    • Teach your kids the differences between days. Many get confused as to why they go to child care five days a week and then stay home for two. Take a calendar and have them mark off the days. Consider color-coding the days so that “yellow” days mean preschool or child care and “orange” days mean home days.
    • Talk about the importance of “home time” and “school time” so that kids see the value in both (or talk about the importance of “play time” and “work time”).
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Help your child look forward to school. Purchase a “lucky pencil” or “lucky folder” for her to keep track of homework. Be enthusiastic about school. Your excitement will often rub off on her.
    • Be honest about the fatigue that can happen during the first week back to school after a long break. Encourage your child to take a short nap after school, if needed.
    • Talk about the benefits of summer breaks and the benefits of going to school. For example, it’s fun to choose what you want to do during breaks. It’s also exciting to learn new things and meet new kids at school.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Don’t be surprised if you find that your child strongly resists going back to school. That’s normal. Many kids at this age love spending time with friends and would prefer to hang out with them outside of school. At the same time, other kids really look forward to going back to school.
    • Help your child name what he likes best about school. Even if it starts out only with lunch and recess, go with that. As the school year progresses, see which subjects begin to interest him.
    • Admit that some parts of school are hard. If you didn’t enjoy the junior high or middle school years, say so. But then talk about how much better high school is. That often helps kids to stick with the hard stuff.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • As older teens become more independent, they may become more resistant to school. Continue to emphasize how important a high school education is—and why. Show teens that the more education they acquire, the more money they make. See the chart on page 2 of the U.S. Census Bureau report “The Big Payoff.”
    • Focus on the parts of school your teen enjoys. Remind her of the soccer team, the newspaper staff, the choir, or another activity that she gets excited about.
    • Help your older teenager apply for a part-time job, apply to a college, or prepare for college-required tests (such as the ACT, or SAT). Older teenagers can get overwhelmed or paralyzed in doing some of these new, important tasks. Your guidance can be a big help.
  • Encourage your teen to connect with teachers that he likes. Having a good rapport with a teacher not only makes high school more interesting, but these teachers can also be helpful in writing job, college, and scholarship recommendations.

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Letting Natural Consequences Do Their Thing

Every generation must learn that the stove is hot.
—Anonymous

It would be great if we could just tell our kids \“That’s not a good idea,\” and have that be the end of it. As every parent knows, however, there are some lessons people seem to need to learn for themselves. In the case of the hot stove, for example, discomfort is the teacher and the natural consequence.

Natural consequences can be one of the most effective shapers of human behavior. But sometimes they are unsafe, and, at other times, they may be ineffective or even reinforce the negative behavior (such as getting away with shoplifting). So when is it best to let natural consequences take effect, and when ought we to step in and protect our kids or enforce another sort of consequence? Here are some things to consider:

Tips for . . .

  • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • A natural consequence should always be safe. A child should not, for example, be allowed to climb up a large bookcase, because serious injury may be the natural consequence. In contrast, playing with a toy in a way that was not intended may lead to breaking the toy, a logical outcome that becomes a powerful teaching tool (unless, of course, you replace the toy).
    • Natural consequences can reinforce positive behaviors, as well as be a deterrent of negative behavior. Babies learn to trust others to meet their needs when adults respond to their cries by feeding and bathing them, changing their diapers, playing with them, and cuddling them closely.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Natural consequences should be immediate. Children should feel hungry after refusing to join the family for dinner. (Note that going hungry will only be an effective consequence if you do not “rescue” your child by providing food later.)
    • Natural consequences should bother your child. A messy room may not serve as a useful natural consequence, but not having clean clothes to wear when dirty clothes weren’t placed in the laundry may be a very effective natural consequence of your child’s actions (or inaction).
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Sometimes you need to be patient to allow a natural consequence to work. If it’s 8 p.m. and your child is having a meltdown over not being able watch a movie past 9 p.m. on a school night, you may have to endure an hour of arguing before the consequence of not being able to watch anything can take effect.
    • Natural consequences should not harm others. If your child is being a bully, there’s a chance she or he will face retaliation as a natural consequence (and even be hurt). In the meantime, a victim is already being persecuted. In cases like this, parents need to step in immediately and enforce logical and intentional consequences linked to the bullying in order to end it and prevent further negative behavior. Consult with school officials as appropriate.
    • While it can be difficult to see your child in serious trouble, it’s okay and sometimes even best to let the law do its job in cases of curfew violation, underage drinking and illegal drug use, or other unlawful behavior.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Natural consequences tend to be harsher as teens grow older. When they let homework slide, lower grades are a natural result. Teens who treat friends unkindly face the loss of friendships, another natural consequence of their actions. Car accidents may lead to increased insurance premiums or loss of driving privileges.
    • Parents must decide when a teen’s welfare or the welfare of others is seriously endangered, and take action. If your child is engaging in risky behaviors of any sort, it’s time to intervene, monitor behavior closely, and perhaps seek professional support.
  • Illegal behavior in the teen years can lead to serious trouble in the future. Don’t bail your children out—sometimes allowing children to face official consequences is the best help you can give them. However, be available to support them through their ordeal. They’ll remember your presence in years to come.

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Kids, Pets, and Other Animals

Animals are such agreeable friends—they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms.
—British author George Eliot

Animals can be wonderful friends, especially to young people. Some kids, even very shy ones, are willing to show sides of themselves to animals that they would not reveal to another person as readily. Other children learn compassion and how to care for another creature; and animals can be very funny, cute, friendly, and kind…all qualities that young people need in their lives! Even if you don’t want a pet in your home, you can expose your children to animals in a variety of ways.

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Animals are like people in that they have different ways of showing affection, likes and dislikes, personality quirks, and so on. Help kids and teens figure out how best to relate to animals, especially pets, just as you would help them negotiate their human friendships.
    • Know that the illness, loss, or death of a pet can be a significant, traumatic event for young people. Help your children understand and deal with such situations by allowing them to show their emotions in appropriate ways (crying, holding a memorial service, drawing or writing, or others). Talk about your own feelings, and provide relevant books or other resources.
    • Visit places where you children can see animals of all shapes and sizes—zoos, natural history museums, pet stores, aquariums, nature centers, state and county fairs, and humane societies, to name a few.
    • Take walks together. Name and talk about the animals you see.
    • Be sure everyone in the house agrees on and knows what their role will be before you get a new pet.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Read books about lots of different types of animals from all over the world. Include funny books, factual ones, and those with good story lines.
    • Take your baby or child to visit friends who have gentle pets that are good with children. Allow your child to spend supervised time interacting with the pet.
    • Teach your child never to approach a strange dog or other animal without first getting your permission or permission from the owner.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Together with your child, learn basic pet safety such as always approaching an animal slowly, never running away from a dog (it might think it’s a game of chase), and being very gentle.
    • If your child’s teacher keeps a classroom pet, consider hosting the class pet at your home for the weekend.
    • If you have a pet, inquire about having your child bring it to school to show classmates. Help your child think about what to say and how to present information about your pet. If the school does not allow animal visits, help your child put together a collage of photos for the same purpose.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Help your child inquire of neighbors and local animal-serving organizations about animal-related jobs or volunteer opportunities, such as dog walking, pet sitting, or advocacy work.
    • If you have a pet, encourage your child to take on more responsibility for pet care as he or she matures. If your child is interested in getting a pet, work with her or him to do plenty of research on the care needed for the type of animal you are considering.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • If your teenager wants or needs a job, suggest looking into local animal hospitals, veterinary clinics, shelters, and other places that care for animals. Many of these organizations need kennel assistance or administrative work that can be done by a young person.
    • If you are considering getting a pet, take into consideration your teenager’s plans after high school. It could be that you will end up caring for this animal for a long time.
  • If your teenager is passionate about animals, encourage her or him to consider education or career paths that involve animals when she or he considers post-high school opportunities. There are many.

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When You're Too Tired to Deal with Your Kids

Tired minds don’t plan well. Sleep first, plan later.
—Walter Reisch and Charles Brackett, American writers

It’s a too-common parenting myth: you think once your infant starts sleeping through the night, you’ll be less exhausted. But the truth is, parenting has many moments that tax your system, cause you to lose sleep, and place demands on you that make you tired. Plus, when you add in your work, volunteerism, keeping up a home, and dealing with friends and family, you can often find yourself doing more than you should. So what can you do when you’re too tired to deal with your kids? Try these ideas:

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Pace yourself. Parenting is not a race. Think of it as a run that lasts forever. While it’s true that active parenting is most intense while your children are living at home, you’ll still find yourself parenting your adult children, depending on the choices they make after they move out.
    • Take care of yourself. Figure out creative ways to get rest and to rejuvenate yourself. Some parents take short naps during the movie when they take their kids to the movie theater. Others cut back on their activities so they have a little down time (which often isn’t easy to find when you’re a parent).
    • Know that you’re not alone. Many parents feel tired because of our society’s unrealistic expectations. Too many parents are working long hours, working more than one job, or being single parents who are trying to juggle everything.
    • Talk with other parents. Learn how they get rest. See if you can trade off so that one parent is with the kids of two or three families while the other parents rest or take a break. This is especially helpful for single parents who often feel they don’t have any breaks at all.
    • Make sure your child is sleeping well, otherwise you won’t be sleeping well. For ideas on how to help your child sleep through the night, read The Sleep Book for Tired Parents by Becky Huntley.
    • When you’re overly tired, you will not parent well. Your temper may flare easily. Your thinking may be muddled. If you’re exhausted and your child is pushing your buttons, say you need a time out. (Kids are often surprised when their parents give themselves a time out.) Explain that once you’ve gotten some rest and perspective, you can deal with the situation that your child has brought to you.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Whether you’re a parent who works outside of the home or you’re a stay-at-home parent, you’re going to get tired. If possible, take naps when your children nap, and remember, it’s okay to leave dirty dishes in the sink or let some housework go. Put yourself first and get some rest when you can.
    • Once your children outgrow naps, continue to have a daily “quiet time” if your child is at home with you, or at the child care center if you work. Turn out the lights. Allow children to have a flashlight and use their “whisper voices” and allow them to do quiet activities, such as looking at picture books or playing very quietly. While your children have a quiet time, you can do the same. Consider meditating or taking a short nap.
    • Find someone you can trust to give you occasional breaks. Maybe a grandparent or an uncle will spend time with your child while you rest or catch up on things. Or maybe you can get a referral from a friend about a great baby-sitter who loves kids.
    • Young children are notorious for waking up earlier than their parents want them to. Consider getting your child a digital clock to place near your child’s bed. Write the appropriate wake-up time on a piece of paper and post it near the clock. Your children don’t need to be able to tell time, but they can practice matching the numbers. Explain that if they wake up before the numbers on the clock match the numbers on the paper, they can play quietly in their room. Then when the numbers match, they can wake you up.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Although children at this age still need supervision, you can take a 15- to 20-minute nap while they’re in the house during the day. Lock all the doors and be clear that your children are not to answer the door or go outside. Explain that you need some quiet, rest time. At first, your kids may interrupt you, but if you continue doing this on a regular basis, they’ll quickly catch on and respect your wishes to take a break.
    • Encourage extended family members (and family friends you trust) to spend time with your children. Not only is this great for your kids, but it’s also important for you to have a much-needed break. When your kids are away, put yourself first. Nap. Take a walk. Then look at your to-do list.
    • Don’t be surprised if your children send you into a short-term sleep deprivation period when they get sick, have a series of nightmares, or hit a stressful period in their lives when they can’t sleep. They will wake you up, and it’s important to care for them in the middle of the night.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Sleepovers often become “stay-up-all-night” events for this age group. Be firm about rules regarding leaving the house and quiet times. If they are noisy and cause you to lose sleep, take away their sleepover privileges for a while. Some parents even set a time limit for lights out (such as at midnight) and say that kids can continue to talk quietly with flashlights but can’t be roaming around the house after that time.
    • As kids start to go through puberty, their sleep schedules tend to change. They become more nocturnal and can sleep until noon (or later). When this starts to happen, emphasize how your child needs to respect the other sleep habits of other family members. Many parents have to get up early to go to work (or do other activities), and they need a good night’s sleep—as does everyone else in the house.
    • Since this is a time when many kids question authority that can create a lot of tension in your home, which can also make you tired. Find ways to care for yourself so that your nerves aren’t always shot. Take a hot bath. Shoot some hoops. Work out at the gym. Go for walks. Do yard work to relax. Read funny novels. Do what you can to take care of yourself.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • As teenagers become more independent, you may find yourself having trouble sleeping, particularly if they’re out late (and driving your car) or are on a date (and you’re wondering what they’re doing). Talk with other parents about how they handle the stress and worry of parenting older teenagers. You’ll quickly discover you’re not alone.
    • Model how to take care of yourself. Older teenagers often are testing to see how far they can push their bodies in regards to sleep, eating, activity, and so on. Talk about how it’s important to have downtime in addition to activity. Explain how you feel when you don’t get enough sleep. Then model a healthy, balanced lifestyle for your teenager to observe.
  • Don’t be surprised if you discover your activity levels need to change as teenagers get older. Many parents find themselves overwhelmed when their teenagers become involved in a sports team, a musical group, or are considering college. (For tips on how to maneuver the exhausting college application process, read the article, Parent-to-Parent: Staying Sane During the College Application Process). Realize that you’ll have more time once your teenager leaves the house, so it’s okay to let go of some of your personal activities until later. Pacing is the key to parenting well.

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Parenting as a Team

The extent to which children experience their parents as partners or opponents in parenting is related to children’s adjustment and well being.
—Elizabeth Sharp and Sara Gable, Parenting: Success Requires a Team Effort

Parenting with a partner can make family life at once easier and more challenging, especially if your styles are very different. You both bring to parenting your unique experiences with your own parents, which inevitably shape your parenting behaviors. And the two of you have big dreams and aspirations for your child.

Striving to “be on the same page” with your coparent when it comes to the way you handle your child’s school, friends, out-of-school activities, house rules, and chores is a wonderful investment you can both make in your child’s future success. Here are some tips to try:

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • In Building Strong Families, a 2002 poll, the YMCA of the USA and Search Institute found that 50% of responding parents felt they had an “excellent” parenting relationship with their parenting partner. Strive to be one of them!
    • Talk to each other about how you envision being a good parent (and the behaviors you hope to avoid). This is an important conversation to have with your parenting partner, and will justify a “pat on the back” when each of you later sees your goals actually coming true.
    • Use clear, respectful communication that focuses on issues (e.g., “I think we will get better results if we are consistent about enforcing the rules”), and not on personalities (e.g., “You’re so unpredictable that the kids never know what to expect”).
    • Make an effort to view differences of opinion from your coparent’s perspective, or at least genuinely try to understand what he or she is saying. Recognize that parenting approaches are sometimes just different, not better or worse than others.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Regularly make a point of saying something positive to your coparent about his or her parenting techniques. Supporting each other is “key” to good parenting.
    • If your tendency is to do it yourself because you think you can do whatever-it-is better and faster, remember that parenting is a team effort. Your child will benefit from this approach, even if it takes more time.
    • Most parents tell us they wish they had a better support system. For many, the challenges of parenting can be new and daunting. The two of you can be intentional about sharing your experiences with friends who also have children this age. The more support you both have, the better you’ll feel about your parent roles.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Be willing to apologize to your parenting partner when it’s appropriate. If your child was within earshot of an argument between your partner and you or witnessed negative behavior, let them hear the apology as well.
    • It’s important to be involved as a family in events or activities, even if you are separated or divorced. If possible, this could mean setting aside differences and attending your child’s performance or school conference together.
    • Your reaction to your child’s accomplishments sets the stage for the teen years. As a parenting team, remember to acknowledge your child’s best grades first. Waiting a day to talk through the “not so good” grades helps your child understand that you see his or her best side, but are also willing to help with the more challenging subjects. Talk to your coparent about ways each of you can support the subjects your child struggles with.
    • Begin creating family rules now with input from your children. Include important boundaries and consequences that will “kick in” when there are problems. Stick together when you and your partner enforce the rules! If rules need to change, choose a time to revise them after the issue is dealt with.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Continue to create family rules together. Revisit them annually. Stick to the consequences you agreed upon. If your child tells you your rules are too strict, talk to other parents and find out how they handle situations. It helps to have common rules among families in your child’s friendship circle.
    • When you “agree to disagree” with your partner, try to find as much common ground as possible. If you are separated or divorced, consider putting understandings in writing. If, for example, you think your child is ready to date, but your partner disagrees, sign a pact agreeing that one of you will always check to make sure your child participates in group dates, rather than one-on-one dates, and that you will revisit the issue in six months.
    • List as many things as possible that you like about your coparent’s parenting style. Slip the list into a greeting card, and give it to her or him.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Some say this is the toughest time to parent as a team. Staying in touch with the parents of your child’s friends can help the two of you know whether you are truly approaching issues as a team.
    • Remember to revisit family rules each year. Update and revise them according to your teen’s response. Having family rules and sticking to consequences is as much for your support as it is for your child’s safety.
    • Consider consulting a counselor, family mediator, or parenting coach if you and your coparent are having trouble working together as a team. Your teen is going through many changes and gaining lots of independence. That means new parenting challenges and responsibilities. Sometimes a little outside help can make a big difference.
    • Support your coparent’s right to set limits, even if you don’t always agree with the limits. If you have a serious concern about a rule or boundary, talk with your coparent first before approaching your teen about it together.
  • Many parents who try to coparent while in the midst of separation or divorce find family mediators can provide them with great support. They can help craft parenting plans at various stages of a child’s development and be neutral partners in coparenting. For more information, check phone book or Internet listings of family mediators in your area.

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Preventing Perfectionism

My motto was always to keep swinging. Whether I was in a slump or feeling badly or having trouble off the field, the only thing to do was keep swinging.
—Hank Aaron

Hank Aaron knew that his success as a baseball player depended on more than talent and good luck—he also needed perseverance and persistence. He realized, too, that he wasn’t always going to “get it right.” Some days he wouldn’t be the best hitter or the fastest runner, and that was okay with him because he knew that by hanging in there he could turn things around.

Some children (and adults, for that matter), have a hard time embracing this idea; they feel if they cannot do something just right, it’s better not to do it at all, or to work incredibly hard to do it very, very well. This is known as perfectionism and, ironically, it actually makes it harder for people to accomplish their goals because they are either paralyzed by the fear of failure, or burnt out and, thus, unable to do their best. Here are some ways you can help your children develop healthy perspectives about their activities and abilities:

Tips for . . .

  • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • When playing with babies and toddlers, occasionally focus on manipulation or movement, such as rolling a ball. Show them how to do it, help them feel what the motion is like, and provide encouragement for them to try it on their own. When they do it (which may take several tries over time), focus on their excitement with affirmations, such as, “That must have been fun,” or “You worked hard and you did it,” rather than “Good job,” or “That’s right.”
    • When doing activities with your children, such as art projects, sports, or music, don’t criticize yourself, even subtly, by saying things like, “Sorry, that was a bad throw,” “Oops, that color doesn’t look good there,” or “Oh, I have such a hard time carrying a tune.” If your children hear you, their hero, say these kinds of things they may pick up on the idea that it’s more important to be good at something than it is to enjoy it or work at getting better.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • As schoolwork becomes more complicated and involves more homework, help your children to set intermediate goals (e.g., if the assignment involves a math worksheet, set a goal of doing half right after school and half later in the evening).
    • Compare each child’s work and personal progress only to her or his past experience.
    • Try something new, such as a class or home improvement project. Talk with your children about how your learning progresses, the challenges you face, and how you feel about doing something that you aren’t so good at doing.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Be specific about your expectations for your children, and encourage their teachers to do the same.
    • Encourage your children to start a new activity or sport. At this age, they are becoming more coordinated, so they’re likely to find greater enjoyment and stick with it even when they’re having a bad day.
    • Keep the focus of school, sports, arts, and other activities on progress rather than performance. Let your children know that you are proud of them for the values they bring to their efforts—such as trying, helping others, and having a good attitude—not just their talents.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Permeate your home with messages about the value of making mistakes, learning from them, and then letting them go and moving on. Hang quotes like, “This too shall pass,” or “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new,” on your refrigerator, for example.
    • If you suspect your teen is in a serious struggle with school, friendships, body image, or other issues because of perfectionism, consult with your pediatrician and consider seeing a therapist who is experienced in this area. Realize that for some people, counseling shouldn’t be a last resort, but rather a health-maintenance practice.
  • Stay informed of your teens’ progress in school, homework, and other assignments. Help them break down larger tasks into manageable goals and objectives.

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It's P-A-R-T-Y Time!

In addition to having fun and celebrating, kids learn a lot at parties. They learn about themselves and how they feel and act around other people. They also learn about manners and etiquette. And sometimes they learn things you wish they didn’t know. You can help make parties constructive experiences, no matter what your children’s ages, by taking some simple steps like asking the host’s parents about planned activities and introducing yourself to the other attendees (either when you drop your child off or as a greeter if the party is at your home). Read on for additional ideas on getting the (positive) party started.

Tips for . . .

  • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Keep kids’ parties simple, short, and small. Consider inviting one guest per year of the host child’s age as a guideline.
    • Remember your audience—little children enjoy easy games, fun decorations, and attention and assistance from adults. Kids’ parties do not need to be big productions to be successful.
    • When your children attend parties, take your cue from them on whether or not to stay. Some will have so much fun they’ll barely notice you, while others will only feel comfortable with you at their side.
    • parents with children 6 to 9
    • When planning a party for your children’s friends, consider choosing a theme or focus that will help you make choices about food, activities, and decorations. Include your child in the decision-making.
    • When you host or attend parties for your children, drink very little or no alcohol. This restraint not only models responsible behavior, but helps to ensure everyone’s safety.
    • Consider finding out in advance what activities are planned and if you don’t approve, say something or don’t let your child attend. Parents ideas about what’s okay for kids to eat, watch, or play can vary a lot.
    • parents with children 10 to 15
    • Encourage your children to host small parties in your home. Help them make a guest list, plan the menu and activities, and prepare for the event.
    • Know your community’s curfew laws and always make sure young partygoers have enough time to get home before the deadline.
    • Always contact the parents of party hosts to find out the start and end times, if they will be chaperoning, how many young people are invited, what activities are planned, and whether young people might be exposed to things that you consider inappropriate or unsafe (such as alcohol, unrestricted Internet access, or certain movies).
    • parents with children 16 – 18
    • Some teens think that all parties have to be unsupervised and involve drinking or other illegal activities. Help your children plan fun, “dry” parties at your home or another safe location.
    • Always find out the details of a planned party and confirm those plans with the host family.
    • Never serve alcohol at teenagers’ parties. You may think you’re preventing tragedy by serving alcohol and taking away car keys, but you’re actually breaking the law and undermining the boundaries and values that other parents are trying to maintain.
  • Understand that parties are opportunities for your children to practice social skills, make choices about appropriate and inappropriate behavior, and meet new people. As a safety net, however, always offer them a no-questions-asked-until-later “out” (a ride home, even a pick-up at the end of the block) if they start to feel vulnerable or uncomfortable.

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Asset Building Your Way through the Holidays

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
—Erma Bombeck

Around significant holidays, even under the best of circumstances, it’s tempting to turn to bribes or threats to get kids to behave the way we want them to (e.g., you’d better be nice to your sister or you might not get any presents). Add to that stressors like juggling work and school vacation schedules, balancing “down time” with visiting and celebrating, sharing time in divorced or separated families, and the other real-life issues that families face, and you have a recipe for holiday horribleness. But with a little patience and planning, holidays can be used to nurture many positive aspects of the developmental foundation young people need to succeed in life. Here are some examples:

Tips for . . .

  • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Make holiday celebrations about being with friends and family, rather than focused on gift giving. Keep gifts for family and friends small so that the true meaning of the season comes through.
    • Ask holiday party invitees to bring food to donate to a shelter. This will be a great way to show your children that the holiday season is also about helping others, not just about going to parties and getting presents.
    • Develop a holiday library with books about your traditions as well as those of others. Talk about the things you celebrate and why they are important in your family.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Ask significant adults in your children’s lives to give gifts of time or activities (such as a trip to a park, an afternoon of baking, or a visit to a museum), rather than material goods.
    • Develop traditions and rituals that suit your family’s lifestyle even if they don’t seem traditional or are different from what others are doing. Celebrate the New Year, for example, by always letting each family member choose one food as part of the meal. Or invite another family over for board games and popcorn.
    • If you don’t live with your child’s other parent, remember that it can be particularly stressful for your child when he or she is splitting holiday time between parents. Be sensitive to that and make it as easy as possible for your child to enjoy time with both parents. Listen to your child if he or she wants to talk about it.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Make significant holidays times for giving as a family to others through volunteering your time, making financial contributions, or donating goods and services.
    • As much as possible, continue traditions started when your children were younger. Though they are growing and changing, it’s important for them to trust that there is continuity and consistency in life.
    • Celebrate Make Up Your Mind Day (December 31) by inviting everyone in the family to tell about one decision they want and need to make. If appropriate, encourage all to make those decisions on this day.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Talk with your teen about starting some new holiday traditions now that they are older and have more freedom and more interest in spending time with friends. Be open to something like going with a group to a movie after Thanksgiving dinner or hosting and supervising an alcohol- and drug-free New Year’s Eve party that goes past midnight.
    • Do something active together as part of celebrating or honoring holidays. Since many people have time off from work, school, or other commitments, it can be a good time for a game of touch football or a walk in a nearby park or dancing in the living room.
  • In honor of World Peace Day (the Winter Solstice, December 21, 2006), do something together to promote peace: light a candle and be silent together, read aloud a story or poem about peace, settle an argument, offer an apology, write a letter together to an elected official advocating peaceful resolution to local, national, or world conflicts.

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Keeping Tabs on Technology

Technology does not drive change—it enables change.
—Canadian philosopher Marshall McLuhan

Growing up, most parents today didn’t have cell phones, text messaging, or e-mail. But lots of us did have our own phone lines, and made calls to formal or informal hotlines for information on everything from movie times to the location of the best weekend party to crisis counseling. Our own parents had their “new” technologies, too. And none of it was good or bad; it was simply different from that of previous generations.

It’s up to us as parents now to figure out how to help our kids navigate their world by being knowledgeable, involved, compassionate, and curious about how they socialize, recreate, and get information through the latest technology. Here are some examples of what we mean:

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Educate yourself about how kids use technology. Check out Parents: The Anti-Drug for information on kids and technology use.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Pay attention to the messages you model—stay off the cell phone, personal digital assistant (PDA), and other electronic devices when you’re driving or engaged in other activities that deserve your full attention.
    • When you’re spending time with your kids, turn off the devices. That’s what voice mail is for! Your kids need, want, and benefit from your full attention.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Make sure your kids know what your limits are for cell phone, computer, and other device usage. Many, for example, know (or can figure out) how to access the Internet to play games online or on cell phones and PDAs.
    • Don’t let your kids use the Internet unattended. It’s easier and more practical to monitor their usage if you have the family computer set up in a common space in your home. You can “watch from afar” or just regularly glance over to see what they’re up to.
    • Online social networking communities such as MySpace and Facebook are very popular, even with elementary-age kids. If your kids use these sites, know whom they allow access to on their pages and make sure they know why you’ve set up limits on this access.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Let your kids know that you will regularly check their e-mail, phone, and text messaging content on both incoming and outgoing lists, and that they should limit those lists to friends and family members, not people they meet online. If you see names you don’t recognize, find out who they are and how your child knows them. Consider whether this oversight should apply to MySpace and Facebook online communities, as well.
    • Have rules about when and where your children and you will use handheld communication devices. Suggestions include not using them at mealtimes, when visiting family or friends, when driving or operating other machinery, or when in the middle of another conversation.
    • Know the school rules for cell phones and PDAs in class, and consider limiting their use to before and after school only.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Understand that regardless of the way you use technology, it’s part of how young people today build their social networks and their community. Be sure that your teens understand the degree of public and private access that others have to their communications. Talk with them about what’s inappropriate to share publicly, and why.
    • Keep computers out of teens’ bedrooms and in central family areas of your home.
    • Let your teen know that some employers and colleges search the Internet for information related to applicants who apply to their institutions. Discuss the kinds of information that may compromise their chances of acceptance.
  • Find out what technologies are being used in your teen’s school. Do teachers keep blogs? Are student groups organized on MySpace or Facebook? Do teachers use digital whiteboards? If so, check these out periodically.

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Kids Who Dream Only of Fame and Fortune

Fame is the thirst of youth.
—Lord Byron, British poet and satirist

Ask your child: “Do you think you’ll ever be famous? Do you think you’ll ever be a millionaire?“ Many kids will say yes. They dream of being professional athletes, famous musicians, and people who make a difference in the world. While some of this dreaming is healthy, some of it gets kids off track, giving them unrealistic expectations that they’ll never meet. Consider these ideas in raising kids who dream big and also dream well.

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Talk to your kids about their dreams’their fantastical dreams and their realistic ones. Find out what they think of their future.
    • Even though it’s tempting to dismiss kids’ unrealistic dreams, be open to them. Keep communication open and ask questions to help them find their way.
    • Connect your kids with people who share an interest in their dreams. Find adults and programs that can help your kids develop the skills they need to make their dreams come true. Learn more at www.ignitesparks.com.
    • Find out whom your child admires. If you don’t know much about the hero, ask questions to learn more.
    • While you don’t want to put a damper on your child’s dreams, it’s important to talk about what’s realistic. It’s a delicate balance, but you need to make sure your child is aware of the long odds involved in making certain dreams come true.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Young children try to emulate superheroes, book characters, and TV stars. They enjoy dressing like these heroes, so don’t be surprised if your child always wants to wear a cape or some other type of hero clothing.
    • Keep introducing your child to new heroes through picture books. See which heroes fascinate your child and why.
    • Expose your kids to situations where they can see their dreams in action. For example, if your child loves firefighters, visit a fire station. If your child loves animals, visit a zoo or an animal humane society.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Enjoy your child’s imagination in following his dreams and heroes. Some kids have quite a sense of humor and can develop creative ways to act on their interests.
    • Connect with teachers, coaches, and club leaders to find out how to encourage your child to develop well and to stay enthusiastic about learning.
    • Allow your child to dream and make outrageous comments, such as “When I grow up, I’ll be the king of the world“ or “I’m going to get 10 gold medals in the Olympics.“ Support your child’s dreams, even if they seem too big.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Encourage your child to learn new skills, master the skills she knows, and to continue to go deeper with her interests. Dreams require skill and dedication.
    • Be patient as kids start to go through puberty. Some become clumsy. Some become moody and want to quit an activity they’ve been in for years. Instead of engaging in power struggles with your child, be sensitive to the changes he’s going through.
    • Many kids become enthralled by their heroes who make a lot of money. They may watch YouTube videos of their fancy homes and cars. They may talk a lot about how they’re going to live like that someday. When kids talk about this, ask other questions, such as “How does this person help other people?” and “How does this person make the world a better place?”
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Talk with your older teenager about the details involved in making a dream come true, such as all the steps in applying to a college, keeping up with homework in class, and practicing an instrument or sport. Some teenagers—just like adults—wish that they could make progress by magic rather than by taking the necessary steps.
    • Continue asking your teenager whom she admires—and why. Tell your teenager who your heroes are and why.
    • Monitor how competitive your teenager is. Some work overly hard and push themselves too hard when trying to follow their dreams. Read Taming the Overachieving Monster for more ideas on communicating with competitive teenagers.
    • Older teenagers can be very hard on national figures who make mistakes. Help them make sense of what’s happened and why.
  • Talk about how your idea of fame and fortune has changed over the years and why. Ask your teenager how his views have evolved.

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Going Green

Our planet is in trouble, and many families are “going green” to help the earth. Whether it’s driving less, using energy-efficient light bulbs, or living more simply, families are finding ways to be more environmentally conscious. Consider these ideas.

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Talk with your family about being “green.” Some kids have started wearing green clothes and buying buttons to show their support for helping the environment. (Teenagers even wear green braces to promote the cause.)
    • Be thoughtful and intentional with your environmental emphasis. Living simply doesn’t mean throwing out a lot and adding to the problem of too much waste. Recycle as much as you can. Donate as much as you can to charity. Buy less.
    • Make more environmentally friendly food choices. Some people reduce the amount of processed foods they buy (thereby eliminating a great deal of processed packaging). Some start eating “closer to the ground,” which means eating more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.
    • Ask your kids for ideas on how to be a green family. Many are learning concrete ways to help the environment through their school and the media.
    • Participate in family volunteer activities that help the environment. Get involved in recycling drives and trash clean ups.
    • Plant a garden. Grow some of your own fruits, herbs, and vegetables.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Young children can “go green.” Sesame Street has a number of helpful online games and videos about going green. See Go Green!
    • Encourage kids to turn off the lights every time they leave a room.
    • Have your child help you with recycling. Together, sort through different recyclables and put them into different bags. (Before you do this, find out what the recycling policies are for your community so that you’re recycling in the way that works for your community.)
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Encourage kids to turn off the water while they’re brushing their teeth. Learn more by visiting AquaClara.
    • Promote riding the bus to school. Even though buses do pollute, it’s less harmful on the environment to have one bus taking 40-50 kids to school rather than 40-50 cars driving each child to school individually.
    • Have lawn-mowing kids leave the grass clippings on the yard as natural fertilizer. If you want them to bag the clippings, use the clippings in your flowerbeds as mulch. Consider using a non-electric or non-gas push mower.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Monitor how older teenagers recycle (or don’t recycle). Some get so caught up in their own activities that they don’t realize that they shouldn’t toss batteries or aluminum cans into the trash.
    • Watch movies about the environment such as “An Inconvenient Truth” or “BBC’s Planet Earth.” Then talk about it afterward.
    • Encourage teenagers to get involved with (or to start) environmental practices at their school. Ask them how these activities can be incorporated into your home.

Some other test question

How about this one? Is this a test question?

Teen Sexuality 2

When boys go through puberty,

Online Safety 8

What is the number one reason kids who are bullied online say why the person bullied them?

Tip of the Day, Sept. 18

Whenever your children are honest about something they’ve done of which you don’t approve, be sure to praise them for their honesty before enforcing consequences for their actions.

Tip of the Day, Oct. 27

Bring your children to an interactive science museum or to a group class at your local library.

Tip of the Day, Nov. 18

You can’t always control what your kids say in public. Teach and model the kind of manners and behavior you expect from them, regardless of who is around.

Tip of the Day, Dec. 14

Notice when your child brings an unexpected lesson into your life. Try to remember to always say thank you.

Tip of the Day, Jan. 11

Do one thing this week to create a strong sense of family unity, such as creating a work of art, holding a family meeting, or going on an outing together.

Tip of the Day, Feb. 2

Together with your kids, do something for someone else, whether it’s making a financial contribution, baking cookies, or helping someone out.

Tip of the Day, Feb. 24

Do something today that makes you feel good about yourself.

Tip of the Day, Mar. 18

Help your children learn to value learning by supporting their schoolwork, having lots of books around your home, going to parent-teacher conferences, and talking in upbeat ways about how great it is that they are learning so much.

Tip of the Day, Apr. 9

Practice using a calm, kind voice, gestures, and touches with your kids. Do this when it’s easier and it will become easier all the time.

Tip of the Day, May 3

Regardless of whether you are religious, talk with your children about your spiritual beliefs. Why do you think you’re here? What keeps you going? What grounds you?

Tip of the Day, May 25

Letting your kids be responsible for their own outcomes (even if they’re not necessarily what we want) is challenging, but remember that empowerment is important.

Tip of the Day, Jun. 16

Do your best as a parent, but don’t expect perfection. Your kids aren’t perfect either, but you can focus on the good in them.

Tip of the Day, Jul. 8

Tell and show your kids how much you love and care for them by spending time together, asking their opinions, and setting boundaries.

The Evening Struggle

Bath Time

  • Give infants sponge baths in a sink or an infant tub. Don’t move your child to a regular-size bathtub until he is much bigger.
  • Make bath time part of the evening routine every night. Consistent routines are easier to enforce because your child expects them to happen every evening.
  • Create ways to make bath time more fun. Your child may be more wiling to take a bath if she has something to look forward to, such as seeing what it’s like to take a bath with an ice cube or with a plastic toy.
  • Even when your child is old enough (and it’s safe enough) to take a bath alone, he may enjoy spending some one-on-one time talking with you as he takes a bath.

Bedtime Routines

  • Create consistent routines. You’ll have a much easier time enforcing bedtime routines when your child knows what to expect. For some children, a bedtime routine consists of a bath, brushing teeth and putting on pajamas, snuggling while having a book read aloud to them in bed, and then turning the lights out.
  • Some children are more likely to stay in bed if they have a night-light. Do what you can (within reason) to help your child feel secure.
  • Decide what to do if your child crawls into your bed. Know that whatever you decide, you’re setting the path for more of the same. (Thus, if you let your child crawl into your bed and sleep with you, it will happen again.)
  • Some kids have a hard time going to bed if they know they’re “missing” out on what the adults are doing. Sometimes you may need to turn off all the lights in your home and be quiet for 15 minutes to signal that it’s bedtime. Once your child falls asleep, you can turn them back on.

Mealtime

  • Research shows that families who regularly eat together are more likely to be close and to have kids who do better in school and are less likely to get into trouble. Make mealtime a priority for your family. If you can eat one meal together every day, great. If not, try to do so as many times during the week as you can.
  • Make mealtime fun. Don’t bring up tough or tense topics. If your kids figure out that mealtimes are when you scold them, they won’t want to eat with the family.
  • Set guidelines about eating together. Some kids think that as soon as they’ve raced through a meal, they can go do something else. Instead, say that kids need to stay a certain amount of time. (But don’t make it too long.) Engage them in conversation.
  • Get family members to help out with meals. Some may enjoy preparing the meal. Others may enjoy setting or clearing off the table. Some may like to clean up. When kids are involved with the meal, they’re more likely to want to eat with the family.

The Culprits:

1. Comic books are now being released as R-rated movies; recent ones include Sin City, Watchmen, Wanted, and Kick-Ass. 1
2. More movie producers are making R-rated comic book movies as cheaply and quickly as they can, and they’re pushing the envelope with shock value and violence.2
3. The main character of the R-rated Kick-Ass (which was released in theaters on April 16) is played by an actress who was 11 years old at the time of filming.3

Here’s my Take on it:

When my kids were preschoolers, they ran around with capes and masks, fighting evil in any way that they could think of, which meant I often had to intervene and raise questions about how “true, upstanding superheroes” would really act. What made parenting more difficult for me were the images of the superheroes my kids saw on TV and on the internet. The Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Scooby Doo that I grew up with seemed like wimpy superheroes to my kids. But now, the media has gone even further, which is way too far.

The R-rated comic book movies that are being released today are catching the attention of 3- to 12-year-olds, who should stay far away from the violent and foul-mouthed content. Our kids need superheroes and role models to look up to and to emulate. They need to struggle with the issues of good versus evil. I just think they should do so without being influenced by superheroes who haven’t learned their manners—or how to act in ethical, upstanding ways.

Talk Further

Ask your child: “Who is your favorite superhero? Why?”

Explore Further

Do you agree or disagree with me? Are today’s superheroes crossing the line? Share your comments below.

Footnotes

1. Scott Bowles, “Superheroes Are Ready to Kick … ,” USA Today, April 15, 2010.
2. Ibid.
3. Scott Bowles, “Chloe Moretz, 13, Can Kick Your You-Know-What,” USA Today, April 15, 2010.

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Working through Disagreements

Do not shrink from disagreement.
—John Emerich Edward Dalberg Acton, English historian

Disagreements: they’re a common part of parenting. You want your child to do something. Your child disagrees. How do you work through these differences? Consider these ideas.

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Disagreements and conflicts are a good sign. It means your child is becoming an independent person—one who thinks and acts differently than you. Even though disagreements are not fun (and can make your life more difficult), they mean that you’re raising a child who can make his or her own decisions.
    • Notice personality differences. Some kids are more contentious than others. Don’t worry if you have one child that you’re constantly squabbling with and another who is more flexible. Every person has a different personality, and some personalities are more likely to clash than others.
    • Focus on the issue at hand. When a disagreement occurs, work through only that problem. Don’t pull in other issues that may be bothering you.
    • Observe how you act during a disagreement. What do you tend to do? Say? Not do? Not say? Which of your words and actions are most helpful?
    • Use gentle humor to defuse tension in a disagreement—self-deprecating humor can be especially effective. (Some children may not respond well to humor, however, so use your own judgment on how your child will react.)
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Expect resistance and to hear the word “no” from your older toddler or preschooler. People talk about the terrible twos, but few mention the turbulent threes, the frustrating fours, and the finicky fives. Kids at this age are becoming more independent, and their declarations of independence can create conflict.
    • Switch tactics. For a long time, giving your child simple choices will work: “Do you want orange or apple juice?” Then one day, your child will not like either choice. Expand the choices. If you still disagree, be honest. Say, “I wish there were more, but these are the only choices we have.”
    • When you disagree and tensions rise, give yourself a time out. Tell your child, “I need time to calm down.” Your modeling will teach your child how to deal with intense emotions. For more ideas on dealing with specific issues of conflict, see the book Parenting Preschoolers with a Purpose.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • As children get older, focus more on problem-solving techniques. During disagreements, work with your child to identify the conflict, talk through what the disagreement is about, and how to work through the disagreement. For example, maybe your child wants to watch TV all the time. You disagree. Working through the disagreement may result in the plan of your child getting to watch TV after he or she has finished homework and cleaned up his or her room.
    • Pay attention to your child’s mood. When your child is required to do too many things that go against her nature, she will be in a bad mood most of the time. Finding activities that get her excited will help to cut back on disagreements and improve her mood.
    • Reassure your child, particularly if you’re having a lot of disagreements lately. Children don’t do well if there’s a lot of tension in your home. Remind your child that you love him.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • As kids go through puberty, they may disagree with you about many things. They may call you old and claim you don’t understand them. Kids usually do come around eventually. As Mark Twain said, “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
    • You may be tempted to remove yourself from frustrating situations when your children are feeling argumentative, but it’s important to work through the disagreements that matter.
    • Take advantage of times when your child is more open to talking. You’ll be more apt to work through difficulties together when you’re both relaxed.
    • Be firm about which behaviors are acceptable and which are not. Kids at this age can experiment with cutting, smoking, sexual behavior, gambling and other risky behaviors. Be clear that these are unacceptable. For ideas on how to handle specific issues, see the book Parenting Preteens with a Purpose.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Be clear about which disagreements are most important to work through. For example, it’s more important to deal with differences regarding driving a car than those dealing with fashion.
    • Provide perspective. Some older teenagers don’t understand why it’s important to continue doing their best in school, rewrite a poorly written essay for a college application, or fill out a job application legibly.
  • Tell your teenagers when you’re proud of how they handled a disagreement. Remember that you’re teaching them how to deal with differences and that the more specific you can be about what they’re doing right, the better they’ll be equipped to leave home and do well on their own.

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Boundaries and Expectations: Making Life More Manageable for Parents and Kids

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone to do it, or forbid your children from doing it.
—Monta Henrichs Crane, editor of Along the Way: An Anthology of Life’s Journey in Poetry and Prose

Kids frequently seem to want to do exactly the opposite of what their parents tell them. The reality is that young people of all ages will actually thrive if their parents set healthy limits, have clear expectations for behavior, and enforce boundaries and consequences consistently. This also makes life more rewarding for parents because children learn that challenging and “bucking the system” aren’t effective ways of negotiating.

Here are tips for establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries and expectations for your children:

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Remember that children need a balance of loving, unconditional support and clear, reasonable boundaries and expectations to guide their behavior.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Set clear, positive rules for home, such as “Use your ‘walking feet’ indoors,” “Gentle petting is nice for the cats, but pulling their tails is not okay,” and “Food is for eating, not throwing.”
    • Offer positive comments and praise when children behave in desirable ways. Reinforcing positive behavior can reduce the need for correction.
    • Talk with caregivers about how they will monitor and correct your children’s behavior. Spend time observing your children’s interactions in childcare settings to develop a sense of their comfort levels with their caregivers.
    • Allow your kids to cry when they are upset; it’s a normal reaction. However, don’t let them hit, bite, or otherwise hurt you or anyone else. If children become physically aggressive, remove them from the situation.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • When things become heated and your child is upset, offer behavior choices you can live with, such as “You may stop yelling and we can talk, or you can go to your room and yell while I go outside.”
    • Praise your child for using a positive decision-making process, such as listing the pros and cons of a set of choices.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Start early with conversations about alcohol, drugs, and sex. This way you can make sure they’ve been given accurate information when they start talking about these subjects with other kids. Work together with your children to establish boundaries and expectations they can internalize. Share your reasons for certain limits and also ask what they think is fair and appropriate.
    • Be willing to be the bad guy. Sometimes kids want to be able to blame their parents for things that make them look uncool (e.g., “My parents will kill me if I don’t study for this test”).
    • Parents often hear a variation on “Why can’t you just be cool like so-and-so’s parents?” It’s hard to bear the brunt of your kids’ anger or disappointment, but it’s a normal, necessary part of parenting. Your kids need you to monitor their behavior and help them develop the commonsense to eventually monitor it themselves.
    • Negotiating curfews is an important boundary issue for parents and children in this age group.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Build a family support network. Be intentional about inviting the parents of your teens’ friends to join you in activities related to your teens’ activities. Talk to each other about your boundaries and expectations for your teens’ activities, including prom, sporting events, dating, driving, and so on.
    • Start with the assumption that you and your kids both have their best interests at heart (but don’t assume they’ll be able to keep in mind your best interests). Your teens most likely want to lead happy, successful lives, but their ideas may differ from yours about what that means. So talk regularly. If you both share an understanding of what’s important, you’ll come to greater agreement over appropriate and acceptable behavior.
    • Peer connections are especially important to young people at this age, and they should be important to you as well. It’s great to be able to call a like-minded fellow parent and say, “Hey, what do you think about…?” You don’t always have to agree with them, of course, but you’ll gain more accurate information from other parents if your teenager tells you, “All my friends get to do it!”
  • Talk with your teen about what the consequences should be if an incident occurs. Ask your teen to write down the consequences in order to give her or him a deeper sense of ownership.

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Parenting with the Simple Wisdom of the Developmental Assets Framework

By focusing on children’s developmental needs, you can tap into and build upon the uniqueness of each of your kids; you can give your daughter or son the connection she or he needs to have with you to grow and feel comfortable in the world.
—author and parent Jennifer Griffin-Wiesner

In Your Family: Using Simple Wisdom in Raising Your Children, Jennifer Griffin-Wiesner identifies ways all parents can use the commonsense wisdom found in the framework of Development Assets to build on their children’s strengths, as well as on their own strengths as parents. She writes, “Feelings of doubt may occur as you reflect on your parenting—as well as at other times—but trust your instincts and your heart. Dream along with your kids and help make their dreams come true.

The asset framework can help you stay focused on what’s really important to you in your parenting. Here are reflection questions and ideas to try with your children based on the Developmental Assets (adapted with permission from Your Family):

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Review or discover for the first time the list of 40 Developmental Assets that help all children and youth thrive.
    • If you usually give hugs as a way of affirming your kids and showing them your love, try using words as well. Say “I’m so proud to be your parent because . . .” and give a specific example of what makes you proud of your child. Or, if you have a hard time showing affection, push the envelope a bit and give your kid a squeeze, pat on the shoulder, or giant bear hug.
    • If your child poses a question or request that you don’t immediately know how to answer, let them know you’ll get back to them, and then follow through. Kids can tell if you’re faking or avoiding a response.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Reflection: How often do you do things with your kids rather than for them?
    • Give your children simple, honest answers to their questions. Be sure you understand what’s being asked so you don’t confuse them with too many details.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • What values do you live by and, therefore, model for your children? Do your values include standing up for others who are being treated disrespectfully, and standing up for yourself when spoken to unkindly?
    • Explore with your children what they’re curious to learn about, rather than just investigating what you’d like them to get excited about. Part of a child’s feeling safe and empowered is knowing that they can try something new without disappointing you.
    • Volunteer in whatever way you can at your children’s school, after-school, or out-of-school activities. Most teachers, administrators, coaches, youth workers, and others are grateful for and encourage parents’ participation.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • How do you involve your children in setting limits and determining consequences? Do you explain to them why you set the limits you do?
    • Ask your children how they would like the family to celebrate or acknowledge their accomplishments. One idea is to create a celebration space on a bulletin board, shelf, or special table where thank you notes, awards, and other special items serve as reminders of successes.
    • Surround yourself and your family with people who share your values and truly act on those values.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Do you talk to your teenagers about how they feel about themselves and what they envision for their future?
  • Think about when to not say anything. Well-timed silence in the form of active listening—rather than lecturing or changing the topic—can help your teens turn their problems into learning experiences.

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When Your Child Gets Mad

Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.
—Harriet Goldhor Lerner, American psychologist

Doors slam. Kids yell. Or your child refuses to speak to you—or just wilts. It’s not fun when your child gets mad. Kids can really hurt you when they lash out at you. Yet, it’s important to teach kids how to understand their anger, how to express it in constructive ways, and how to use this powerful emotion to make positive change.

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Examine your view and comfort with anger. What did your parents teach you about expressing anger? How comfortable are you with the emotion? Some people are quick to lose their cool (and feel comfortable doing so), while others like to avoid any type of anger or conflict. Both extremes are not helpful. What’s important is to learn how to recognize your feelings, make sense of what they’re telling you, and expressing your feelings in a way that clarifies the issue and encourages people to want to work on the issue rather than flee—or lash back.
    • Notice what makes you mad—and what makes your kids mad. Are there patterns? It’s easy to assume that kids only get mad when they don’t get their way, but anger is more complicated than that. Your child may get upset when someone picks on another child. Or your child may get mad when she doesn’t get enough time to do art—or play outside.
    • Tell your kids that all feelings are acceptable and important. Also say that it’s important to express emotions in ways that are respectful to others. No one likes to be yelled at. Sometimes an angry person needs to calm down before saying something. Teach your kids to slow down and unwind when they get angry.
    • A helpful book that shows how to use anger wisely (and not get stuck in blaming) is The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D., sold on Amazon.com.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Label your child’s emotions when your child expresses them so that your child can learn what they are. For young children, it’s often best to keep the labels simple, such as mad, sad, and glad. When your child starts to yell or hit, say, “You’re mad. No yelling or hitting when we’re mad. Let’s calm down first and then we’ll talk about why you’re mad.”
    • Intervene immediately when children lash out at others in anger. Don’t allow anyone to get hurt just because someone is mad.
    • Count aloud to 10 and have your child take slow, deep breaths when he or she gets angry. Talk about how this helps to calm down the emotion so that you can talk about it later. If your child still isn’t calm after counting to 10, count again. Repeat as often as necessary. Sometimes you may need to have your child lie down (and rub his or her back) or just take a break in a quiet place.
    • Talk with your kids about the consequences of their anger. It’s not too early to get them working on their empathy skills. For example, if your daughter yells and hits another child, calmly explain how her anger made the other child feel. (Maybe the child got hurt, scared, or sad.) Then ask what happens when someone gets mad at her and how it makes her feel.
    • After your child is calm, ask simple questions to help your child articulate his or her feelings. Don’t be surprised if your child begins to get angry again. (If this happens, do the calming technique again.) Ask questions, such as: What made you mad? What would make it better?
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Talk about anger with your child. Sometimes during the early childhood years, kids learn to suppress their feelings in order to control them. It’s important to remind children that everyone has feelings, and that all feelings are normal. (It’s the expression of these feelings that often need lots of practice.) If your child has a hard time thinking of what makes him or her mad, talk about what angers you. For example, “I get mad when dinner is late, and my stomach is growling and I’m really hungry,” or “I get mad when someone butts into line ahead of me at the grocery store.”
    • Introduce your child to more emotion labels. For example, sometimes anger is actually frustration or being enraged or even being bored. One fun poster that shows 30 feelings and comical faces for each emotion is the Feelings Poster from Free Spirit Publishing.
    • Check in with your child’s teacher about your child’s expression of anger and other emotions. Some children act differently at school than they do at home. If there are any concerns, work together to create a plan that will help your child.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Don’t panic if your child begins lashing out in anger in inappropriate ways again. (Some parents think, “Didn’t this kid learn anything from me during the past decade? Why is he (or she) doing this now?”) Puberty can set your child off balance and overload your child’s emotional circuits. Thus door slamming, screaming, and other inappropriate expressions can occur. Try to remain calm (although this is not easy) and ask your child (once he or she is calm) what’s bothering him or her. Be clear about appropriate ways to express anger (such as running around the block, pounding on a pillow, or yelling while vacuuming), and keep teaching these messages over and over.
    • If your child is emotionally savvy, talk about how many people can experience two or three different emotions at once. The term “bittersweet” acknowledges the feeling of loss and also warm feelings at the same time.
    • Some kids need a physical release for their strong emotions. Channel it in positive ways, such as having them learn one of the martial arts (karate, kung fu, tae kwon do, or fencing) or by playing a sport that gets them to move their body a lot (such as soccer, long-distance running, skiing, etc.).
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Model and teach your teenager more complex methods of conflict resolution, such as consensus, collaboration, compromise, and so on. Find out more at Mind Tools.
    • Talk about respecting and valuing other people’s views, especially those that differ from your own. If your family enjoys debate, create a debate where each family member has to convince others of the “opposite” of one of his or her beliefs. This helps you clarify your own views and also see the merit in other people’s views.
    • Examine the justice issues that make your teenager mad (and make you mad too). Some get upset about global warming. Others become angry when people don’t vote. As a family, talk about the issues that anger you and why. Then see if there’s something you can do to make a step toward positive change.
  • Be open about the positive steps you’re making to resolve an issue that makes you mad. For example, if the bank slaps you with an unfair finance charge, show your teenager how you’re providing written documentation in your defense, how you’re talking with people at the bank who can help you (and being calm and assertive while you do this), how you’re following up if the response seems slow, and how you thank people for helping you along the way. Moving from anger to positive change is a slow, complicated process, and showing your teenager the steps you take will help him or her in the long run.

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When You Worry about Your Children's Friends

When I recognized that my daughter’s best friend came from a family whose choices and lifestyle were very different from ours, I made sure to let Desiree know she was a special part of OUR family as well. We made sure she always knew we cared (birthdays, soccer games, etc.) and that we were there for her.
—Mary, MVParent of four

It’s a tough spot to be in—to worry about a young person outside your own family—especially when the situation directly impacts you or your children.

Here are some suggestions for times when you’re just not sure you’re comfortable with what’s going on:

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Remember that “growing” strong kids takes many caring adults. You can make a big difference for the children in your own child’s life. Take time to learn something about each of them and engage one-on-one with them whenever you can.
    • Know that there isn’t one right, tried-and-true way to be a parent or a family. Differences depend on the personalities of the people involved, so be careful not to jump to conclusions; find out as much as you can about a situation that concerns you.
    • Get to know the parents of your kids’ friends and their parenting approaches. If you have concerns that affect your own children, it’s important that you address them. For example, if you choose not to allow your child to have sleepovers at a certain home, talk to your child about differences in family rules or approaches, and find ways to have the friend over to your house where you are more comfortable with the rules.
    • If you ever believe that a child or teen is being physically or emotionally abused, contact authorities. If you don’t know whom to call, ask for advice from a physician, religious leader, or other person who works with families.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • If there are adults in your life who parent in ways that are different from your own, do your best to separate your opinions from issues of real concern. If you do feel the need to raise your concerns about the well-being of another child, stick to facts as you know them and offer specific observations and examples. Most parents are very invested in their own parenting styles, so tread lightly.
    • Find time to engage other parents in supportive conversations where you can all share parenting tips and tactics. Most parents say they could use a stronger network of other parents in their lives. Play dates are great times for kids to play and parents to share!
    • If you find great books or Web sites that are useful, share them! Often, daycare centers and preschools have free lending libraries you can use.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Talk openly with your kids about parenting styles, especially styles that are different from your own. Let your kids know why you choose to behave toward them the way you do. You can use books, television shows, or movies as examples, or you can talk about things you see happening “out in the world.” Then let them know that you’re always available to talk if they are worried or unsure about something that’s going on with their friends’ families.
    • Be sure your child knows that it’s okay to talk to you if he or she ever feels uncomfortable about the way another adult treats them or other kids they know.
    • Make your home a place where your children’s friends can come for a meal, safety, and fun. Make sure their parents know that their children are welcome in your home.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • This age group is very aware of friends who might be having problems at home or within their family network. Parents sometimes worry about their own child becoming a caretaker for a troubled friend. If you observe the caregiver role being taken on by your child, coach him on what he can reasonably take on and on what he can’t control. (Being a listening friend is a perfect role—friends don’t need to solve all their friends’ problems.)
    • Help your teen brainstorm names of other adults that her friend can connect with—people who can help find solutions to tough situations. And be ready to listen to your child when she needs to process information about her friend.
    • Be open to rearranging your home so that your children can enjoy themselves safely at home with their friends. One MVParent, for example, removed all alcohol from her home when she became worried that one of her son’s friends was drinking. By clearing out the alcohol, she could trust that her house was a safer place in which her son and his friends could spend time together.
    • If you are worried about the influence of the friends your child spends time with, now is the time to have the family conversation about curfews, how often your teenager should be checking in, which places are “off limits” (and why) and so on. These family rules are often negotiated every 6 months as children take more responsibility for their lives. Be prepared for “trial runs” as you see what works and how well your child takes on new responsibilities.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Be the “safe place” and “safe person” for teens to go to when they are having trouble with their families or friends. Welcome them into your home at whatever level is comfortable for you. If a child actually “runs away” to your home, be sure they know you have a responsibility to let their parents know they are safe at your home.
    • This is an age when kids will go where they want to go, and often that’s wherever their friends are. If your teenager spends time in homes where parenting behaviors are ones you don’t agree with or where parents are frequently absent, work into conversations with your kids the possible consequences that might occur as a result of that parent’s choices or lack of availability.
    • Family rules are best when the whole family sets them and talks about the consequences. Revisit the rules every six months or so. Set your own family rules and keep them.
  • Help your teen learn how to help her friends. Make sure she knows that some information shouldn’t be kept secret. Together with your teenager, explore the Internet for information on programs, services, and opportunities for teens in your community. Suggest that if she has a friend in need, she should go with her friend to seek support from other caring adults.

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Keeping the Humor in Parenting

Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
—Martin Mull

It’s been called the toughest job you’ll ever love. Once you’ve committed to it, you can’t ever turn back. It’s parenting, and we’re all doing it a little bit differently. What we have in common is that some days are better than others. Many parents find that a little humor goes a long way in making the good days better, and the hard days a little bit easier. Here are some ways to add a little laughter to your parenting life:

Tips for . . .

  • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Pay attention when your baby laughs. It’s hard to resist laughing along.
    • Remember that little kids’ jokes usually aren’t going to make that much sense or be very funny to adults, but laugh along with them anyway. Often their laughter is contagious.
    • Tell your frustrating stories to other parents while trying to find the humor in the situation. Sometimes just stepping back and “looking in” can help you put things into perspective.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Read together humorous books for children. Most good books for young people weave in elements for adults as well.
    • Read books, Web sites, or comics that focus on the funny aspects of parenting. It’s nice to be able to laugh with someone about the foibles of the job.
    • Tell a round-robin humorous story with your family. One person starts and others add elements in turn. These stories often take wild twists and turns.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Watch age-appropriate, funny movies together.
    • Be silly together: Challenge your children to a watermelon seed spitting contest; have a water-balloon fight; have a karaoke contest.
    • Start a “bad picture” book that includes crazy, goofy pictures of every member of your family and your close friends.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Start to include your teenager when you tell funny stories to other adults. Use your best judgment about what kinds of stories are suitable for your teen to hear.
    • Ask them what made them laugh today.
    • Play a game together that encourages laughter. Examples include charades, statue tag, or “slap jack.”
  • Have humorous coffee-table books around the house. Once in a while, pick one up and read a page or two. It will probably brighten your day a bit, and you’ll be setting a good reading example for your teen.

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Parenting Stress

Stress is a fact of life when you’re a parent. Anyone who disagrees might want to check out the Web. A recent search using the term “parenting stress” yielded more than two million hits. The sources of parenting stress vary greatly, but all of us deal with having a 24-7 job that includes the tremendous responsibility of raising another human being. Keeping that in mind, it’s important that we take care of ourselves and make stress busters a part of our regular routine.

Tips for . . .

  • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Get out together with your child. A change of scenery, even just a short walk, can put everyone in a better, more relaxed mood.
    • Have reasonable expectations. Know that kids this age sometimes “lose it,” occasionally don’t make it to the bathroom or blow out their diapers, and often run out of steam and need to rest. You’ll save yourself stress if you can learn to prepare for these situations before they occur.
    • parents with children 6 to 9
    • Send a short note of thanks to someone who has influenced your parenting. Reaching out to others and remembering their gifts to you can be surprisingly comforting in times of stress.
    • Get moving. When exercising, your body releases chemicals that can help you calm down both emotionally and physically.
    • parents with children 10 to 15
    • If you parent with a partner, make sure you work on keeping that relationship happy and healthy. You, your partner, and your kids will all benefit.
    • As much as possible, try to keep a sense of humor. Laugh with your kids, your partner, a friend, your dad, anyone who can empathize with the rapid changes in mood, personality, opinion, and so on, that your child is experiencing.
    • Never stop asking for help and support. Even though you’ve been parenting for a while now, new things come up during adolescence. Those who’ve been through it, particularly parents of young adults, can share their wisdom and perspective. Choose someone you trust and who won’t judge you or your parenting.
    • parents with children 16 to 18
    • Share the workload. Your kids are old enough now to prepare and clean up after meals, take care of a sibling, clean the bathroom, or do other household tasks.
    • Get organized. Even little steps such as making a To-Do List or keeping a family calendar can ease the strain on your brain that comes from trying to keep track of a bunch of information.
  • Take a break. If you always change the oil on the car, get someone else to do it or go to a shop; if you have a job, take a vacation day just for yourself; if you don’t get out much, call a friend and go to a game or movie together.

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Do Grades Really Matter?

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.
— Ronald Reagan

Most of us won’t ever see one of our children become president. But most of us will have the experience of our children wanting to hide from us a bad grade or report card. It’s important to keep in mind that while school performance is one measure of success in life, there are many types of intelligence and lots of different learning styles. Grades certainly aren’t everything. A child who struggles to earn Cs may end up in a successful sales or design career. Another child who breezes by with all As may find that life in the real world isn’t as easy as in school. You can best help your children make the most of their interests and talents by giving them support, encouragement, and skills for doing their best while developing their own unique gifts.

Tips for . . .

  • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Let children play with toys they like. This helps them find their motivation inside—they’re having fun to please themselves, not to please others.
    • Turn off the television and computer and give children interesting toys, books, and art supplies. This gives them a chance to explore, experiment, and play.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Be available when children have questions, but don’t be an “answer person.” Ask more questions to get children thinking or guide them to resources that will help them learn more.
    • Use spontaneous rewards with no strings attached. If you expect children to work hard and learn new skills, they probably will. Instead of saying “I’ll take you to the park if you finish your assignment,” say, “You finished your assignment? Great! Let’s go to the park to celebrate.”
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Find out what the requirements are for getting the grades you and your children expect, and then stay in contact with teachers about their progress. Don’t wait for report cards.
    • Help your children prioritize homework assignments, particularly large projects that need to be done over time. It’s best for many young people to do the most challenging parts early on—to get them out of the way before fatigue or frustration sets in.
    • Talk with your children about school and learning. Ask them every day what they did in school, what they learned, what they liked about school, what they didn’t like about it. Stay in touch with their school experience.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Make it a point to attend school conferences and special events.
    • Take it seriously when your teenagers express boredom or frustration with school or mention other problems (even small ones). Talk with them more, if they will, and consult teachers if the concerns seem significant.
  • Invite your teenagers to join you in taking a class or learning opportunity outside of their school (such as a community education class, a seminar at a nature center, or some sort of training).

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Building the Commitment to Learning Assets

Commitment to Learning—Young people need a commitment to the lasting importance of learning and a belief in their own abilities.

As a parent, you are already one of your child’s key asset builders. Here are tips on how you can take your parenting to the next level by intentionally focusing on the five Commitment to Learning Assets: Achievement Motivation, School Engagement, Homework, Bonding to School, and Reading for Pleasure.

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Your beliefs about your children’s competence affect their confidence and ability to learn.
    • If your kids see you reading for pleasure, they are more likely to do so themselves.
    • Be an advocate for schools to do better. Thank teachers when they provide interesting and stimulating homework and projects. Ask teachers if there are alternatives if they assign a lot of homework that requires memorization.
    • Don’t expect all of your children’s learning to happen in school. Keep stretching their minds with stories, games, and activities that deepen their thinking.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Be available when children have questions, but don’t be an “answer person.“ Ask more questions to get children thinking.
    • Use music, puzzles, books, blocks, dramatic play, and games to add variety and interest to your children’s day.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Engage childrens imagination. For example, when they are trying to figure out a situation, have them pretend they are a character with whom they are familiar. For example, if your child feels left out of a play group, ask what Thomas the Tank Engine or Junie B. Jones would do. Or if they are trying to figure out the answer to a “mystery“ ask what the children from the A to Z Mystery series would do.
    • When you talk about school, stay positive. Let your children know that you think learning and school are fun and important.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Help your children become more literate online with homework help. Help them find these references online: dictionary, thesaurus, almanac, encyclopedia, and an atlas.
    • Find out what gets your child excited and encourage your child to deepen that interest. If your child enjoys music, learn more about musical instruments, attend a concert together (that your child picks), or figure out a way to make practicing an instrument more fun (such as by wearing pajamas).
    • Make it a point to attend school conferences and special events.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Encourage your teens to explore all the options available at their school. They may not be aware of interesting opportunities such as yearbook, school newsletter, debate, math teams, student council, and other leadership and learning groups. Be aware (because of school budget cuts) that some activities now have to be taken as classes while others are available as before- and after-school activities.
  • Play word games such as Scrabble or Boggle together. Both of these games are available online as well as in board formats and you and your teens can play as a team or against each other if you prefer Internet games.

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The Silent Treatment

Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.
—Unknown

You have so much to tell your child, but your child won’t talk to you. Sometimes the silence lasts for a few hours. Sometimes it can linger for days. During the teenage years, it can drag on even longer. When your child won’t talk to you, consider these ideas.

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Know that kids will stop talking to you when they get mad. Learning the art of peaceful conflict resolution takes years for children to master (and many adults are still struggling with it). Silence is often another way for kids to show their anger at you or someone else.
    • Some kids are more private and internal than others. While some kids think aloud, others keep their thoughts to themselves. Thus, some kids are more apt to be silent, while others are more likely to keep talking.
    • If your child lives with your ex part of the time, stay close by keeping in touch in creative ways. The asset-building book Stay Close includes 40 clever ways to keep talking when you’re apart.
    • Learn to tolerate some silence instead of always giving in and trying to smooth things over. Silence can feel tense, and many parents want to rush in and make it better. Sometimes, though, it’s better to live through the tension, particularly if you want your child to learn a lesson.
    • Be in touch with other adults. When kids aren’t talking to you, they most likely are talking to someone else. When you connect kids with other adults’and you stay in touch with those adults, you’re more likely to feel that you don’t need to be the only one your child talks to. Consider the asset-building book Connect 5.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Young children rarely stop talking to you for long, so learn to live with the silence when it does happen. Most likely your child will be angry (and may even crawl under a table). After a few moments, crawl under the table with your child. Sit with your child in silence for a while. Then ask, “Are you mad at me?” Listen to what your child has to say.
    • Sometimes young children become silent when they become absorbed in an activity. Don’t interrupt. Instead, watch and enjoy your child totally immersing him- or herself in doing something stimulating.
    • If you are in a two-parent family, young children can go through phases when they only want to be with one parent and not the other. This is normal. If you’re the one being snubbed, continue reaching out and connecting with your child, but don’t force your child to spend time with you if he or she wants to spend time with the other parent.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Sometimes children will stop talking when they become upset by something that has happened away from home. Give your child space, but after a little while ask if something has happened. Probe, but don’t push.
    • Give your kids a break from you (and yourself a break from your kids). Hire a trustworthy babysitter. Have your kids spend a night with grandparents or another family member. Sometimes kids, just like adults, need a change of pace and scenery to connect more with their families.
    • Keep reading together. Even if your child doesn’t want to talk to you, pulling out a favorite book and reading aloud can often break the silence in a safe way.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • As kids go through puberty, their moods can go up and down a lot more. This also can affect how much—or how little—they talk to you. Many kids can talk for hours on a cell phone but then have nothing to say to their parents. Don’t be surprised if this starts happening in your family.
    • As kids separate from their parents, they can feel that you’re being intrusive when you ask questions. Continue being there for your child, but don’t always expect your child to give you a lot of information.
    • With technology being such a big part of many young teenagers’ lives, don’t be surprised if conventional communication (such as talking face to face) is less interesting to them than text messaging, posting updates on their Facebook or MySpace pages, or talking on a cell phone. See if your teenager wants to communicate with you through any of these technological methods.
    • Even though your child may stop talking to you, don’t stop talking to your child. One parent had a young teenager who refused to speak to him for two years. Every night when she got ready for bed, he’ knock at her door, hear her grunt, and then go in and tell her a little bit about his day and how he was thinking of her. Years later, she asked her dad, “Remember those junior high years when we had the best talks?“ To her dad, those times were painful, but to the daughter they were reassuring.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • One of the difficulties of talking with older teenagers is that it’s sometimes hard to get them to stay home long enough to engage in a conversation. Even with busy schedules, negotiate times for your teenager to be home—for some family meals and for a family time. During those times, ask your teenager specifics about friends, school, and what’s happening in his or her life.
    • Monitor where your child is going and with whom. Even though it may not seem like meaningful conversation, your teenager gets the message that you care. A helpful asset-building book is Ask Me Where I’m Going.
    • Don’t be afraid to ask for another adult to step in if your teen won’t talk to you and you’re afraid of what he or she may be getting into. Another adult can take your teenager out for a soda and just check in.
  • Take your teenager out to eat—or out for a treat. Your teenager may be more likely to talk if you get out of your home and onto neutral territory. They also tend to talk more when they’re eating something they enjoy.

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Separations

Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
—Kahil Gibran, Lebanese-born American poet

Military deployments. Extended business trips. Hospitalizations. An older teenager leaving home. Divorce. Death. A move. Even briefer, smaller separations such as leaving a child with a sitter or starting school. Many families struggle with separation. Here’s how to cope.

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Keep tabs on all family members during a separation. Every person deals with separation and grief differently.
    • Figure out ways to stay connected to your loved one. E-mail, letters, phone calls, Skype, text messages, video clips, and photos are only a few ways to keep in touch with a loved one far away.
    • If a loved one has died, talk about it. Keep meaningful reminders of the person (such as photos) in your home. Be honest about how much you miss the person. At the same time, be clear that each person can have a good, full life—even if sadness is present.
    • Find creative ways to stay close when you’re away from your kids, such as sending homemade cookies or drawing pictures. For more ideas, see read Stay Close.
    • Let family members cry, get angry, or express other emotions in appropriate ways. Being separated can stir deep feelings.
    • Know that some separations are okay or even happy, like going on a trip or to camp. Others are tough emotionally, like someone being in the hospital, in jail, or on a military deployment.
    • Talk about what you miss about your life before. When you move, you can miss your old home and neighborhood. When someone gets sick, you can miss what he or she was like when they were well. It’s healthy to talk about “before” and “now.”
    • Prepare your kids each year for starting school. Starting school for the first time (or a new school for the first time) is a big deal. Don’t overlook other school starts and changes. Many kids find it difficult to adjust to being at school after being at home during the summer.
    • Connect with other families that are dealing with separation. Families of deployed family members can support each other. So can families struggling with sickness or divorce.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Keep a photo of the living loved one who you are separated from in your home. At some point during the day ask, “What do you think Dad (or Mom) would say if he (or she) was here?”
    • Be active. If your child is sad, have them shake their sadness out by shaking his body.
    • Give your child a lot of attention. Listen to what she has to say about missing a family member. For ideas on what to do from birth to age 5, read Please Don’t Go from Parens.com.
    • Even if there isn’t a way to stay in daily contact, create a daily ritual to think of the person. Maybe your child can draw a picture each day. (Then when the person comes home, he will be surprised with the great gift of so much art.)
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Read aloud books about separation. Consider Llama, Llama Misses Mama by Anna Dewdney; Red, White, and Blue Goodbye by Sarah Wones Tomp; and Bye, Bye! By Nancy Kaufmann.
    • Ask your child how she would like to stay connected to your loved one.
    • Continue to find interesting activities to do. Being separated doesn’t feel as bad when you’re involved in activity.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • At this age, some kids may not think much about being separated from a family member. They can be immersed in their own lives or with their friends. At the same time, some kids at this age can feel even more emotional about a separation. It depends on the circumstance and the child.
    • Talk about the adjustment of being separated—and then of being reunited. It can be hard on a young teenager to get used to an older sibling being away at college for 15 weeks and then have her home all the time for a four-week winter break—or a three-month summer break.
    • Kids at this age often go to weekend-long or weeklong residential camps. Tuck away notes and surprises for them to find while they’re there. Be aware that some kids will handle the separation well while others will have a harder time.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Although older teenagers may seem not to be bothered by having a family member away, remember that most act tougher than they feel. Keep an eye on your teenager. Be aware that your teenager may be talking about the separation with friends and not with you.
    • Ask your teenager what he or she thinks about a family member being away. Most teenagers will tell you if you ask.
  • Keep family rituals and family holidays intact. Even if someone is away, teenagers still thrive on the family maintaining the connections that keep it strong and together. Continue having family meals and celebrating holidays. Continue sticking together as a family.

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Is It Bullying? Question 1

A fifth grader tells a kindergartner on her bus to give her part of his lunch every day. Is it bullying?

Teen Sexuality 3

If a boy doesn’t want to have sex but his girlfriend does, what should he do?

Online Safety 9

What is the most common way that kids get caught up in sexting online?

Tip of the Day, Sept. 21

Ask your children where they see them themselves in three years—and remember to ask them again next year!

Tip of the Day, Oct. 28

Let your children see you cry when you are sad. It will help them know that their own emotions are normal and healthy.

Tip of the Day, Nov. 19

Think back to when you were the ages your children are now. How did things look, feel, smell, and sound? Try to empathize with what they may be going through by tapping into your own memories.

Tip of the Day, Dec. 15

Think of a new responsibility or privilege to help empower your child.

Tip of the Day, Jan. 12

Regardless of negative feelings or opinions you may have about your child’s school, keep your concerns to yourself or between you and the school staff.

Tip of the Day, Feb. 3

Show your kids how important family is by calling extended relatives to let them know how special they are to you and your kids.

Tip of the Day, Feb. 25

Don’t try to fix all your kids’ problems. Do try to help them find solutions on their own.

Tip of the Day, Mar. 19

The next time your child seems inspired by a teacher or a subject in school, write that teacher a note or e-mail to say thanks for helping your child learn and develop.

Tip of the Day, Apr. 12

Do something to help your own peace of mind: read a soothing book, pray or meditate, exercise, knit—do whatever works for you.

Tip of the Day, May 4

Start fresh tomorrow, regardless of what happened today. Your attitude will rub off on your children.

Tip of the Day, May 26

When your kids seem to get particularly antsy, give them some undivided love and attention and see what happens.

Tip of the Day, Jun. 17

Is your home a retreat? A place your family turns to for comfort? If not, ask your family what will make your house “homier.”

Tip of the Day, Jul. 9

Start thanking your kids right away when they do things you appreciate. Even little things.

Fears and Shyness

Fears

  • Kids of all ages have fears. Fears are a normal part of growing up. Young children may become afraid of flushing toilets or bathtub drains. Older teenagers may become fearful about terrorism and leaving home.
  • Take every one of your child’s fears seriously—even if you think it’s absolutely ridiculous. Young children often have fears they develop in their imagination. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean your child isn’t afraid.
  • Create practical, age-appropriate ways to help your child cope with her fears. Some preschoolers feel empowered if they draw a picture of the monster in the closet and then rip it up. Older teenagers feel more control if they get to know the college they’re going to attend and spend some time there before they make the big move.
  • Talk about fears. Even adults have fears. Don’t talk about what you’re afraid of (you don’t want to add to your child’s list). Instead, focus on how you cope with and work through your fears. Sometimes we are afraid because we should be. You don’t want your child to dismiss all fears, because feeling fear is one way to keep ourselves safe.

Shyness

  • Children go through stages when they feel shy. This is normal. Don’t push your child to interact with people he’s shy toward. Instead, stick close to him and help him feel more at ease. Sometimes a shy child will begin to open up a bit after he has sat in your lap, stayed right next to you, or hidden behind you for a while.
  • Encourage others to be gentle with your child. There’s nothing that shuts down a shy child faster than a gregarious adult who overwhelms her.
  • Model how to interact with people. Smile at them. Look them in the eye. Talk about how you interact with people—and why—with your shy child. Over time, your child will learn how to interact through your modeling and messages.
  • Arrange small, short-term social interactions for your shy child. It’s easy (and tempting) to completely protect a shy child, but he needs experiences in learning how to interact with others. Expect a lot of bumps at first, but over time, your child will warm toward others.

Is your child ready to handle the responsibility?

6 Things I’ve Read Recently:

1. Sixty-one percent of parents say that kids should be between the ages of 13 and 18 when they get their first cell phone.1
2. One out of three parents with children under the age of 9 think their kids should get their first cell phone before age 12.2
3. One out of three U.S. teenagers plans to buy an iPhone in the next six months.3
4. The most common technological gadget for a kid to lose (or have stolen) is a cell phone.4 Of parents who buy their child a cell phone, one out of four says the kid’s cell phone has had to been replaced at least once.5
5. Parents are more apt to get their child a computer before buying them a cell phone.6 Seventy-three percent of parents with children under the age of 9 say their should get a computer before age 12.7
6. A Harvard University professor says that kids are more likely to succeed when they don’t keep a phone in their room.8

Here’s My Take on It…

When our first child wanted a cell phone (at age 12), my husband and I said not until age 15, when our teenager was entering high school. Why? Because we had heard stories from other parents about how kids stole each other’s cell phones at sleepovers, used up all the monthly text messages (or phone calls) in one night, or held cell phones hostage until the child agreed to do something (that he or she may not have wanted to do). A cell phone is a big responsibility that a child needs to be ready to handle.

When my kids were 12, we bought a prepaid cell phone that we let them borrow when they were going out with friends—as an easy way to call home. That prepaid phone turned out to be a good way for our kids to practice using a cell phone (including how to keep track of it), and it also made it easier to monitor how our kids were using it. Still, I’ve heard from single parents how a cell phone is essential for younger children, but they’ve set firm rules for these younger kids to follow in using the cell phone. I don’t think there’s a “perfect” age for a child to get a first cell phone, but I do think a cell phone is a privilege and a big responsibility—not a right that a child should feel entitled to.

Talk Further

Ask your child: “Why is a cell phone important to kids?”

Explore Further

At what age should kids get their first cell phone? Share your comments below.

Footnotes
1. Jennifer Jacobson, “Should a Nine Year Old Have a Cell Phone?” Retrevo Gadgetology Report, March 10, 2010.
2. Ibid.
3. Philip Elmer-DeWitt, “Survey: 31% of U.S. Teens Want iPhones,” at tech.fortune.cnn.com., April 12, 2010.
4. Jennifer Jacobson, ibid.
5-7. Ibid.
8. Dan Kindlon, Ph.D., Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age (New York: Hyperion, 2001), 177.

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Parenting on the Go

There is more to life than simply increasing its speed.
—Mahatma Gandhi, philosopher

Part of parenting involves getting your children to school, sports, programs, and back. If you’re not careful, you can feel like a full-time taxi driver (or that you’re riding public transportation with your kids all the time). To be successful parenting on the go, consider these ideas.

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Have an activity bag packed for yourself. Rarely can you drop off a child and pick him up without having to wait around. Carry magazines, a book, or work that’s portable. If you can get something done, you won’t feel like too much time is wasted.
    • Take time to watch your child participate in the activity. Sometimes it’s easy to get so caught up in your long to-do list that all your child sees when she’s at soccer practice is you with your head stuck in a computer, on your cell phone, or reading a book. Be intentional about creating a balance between watching your child and getting things done.
    • Get to know other parents in your child’s activities. Sometimes you may discover a trusted adult with whom you can coordinate transportation. Or you can talk with the parents of your child’s friends to see which activities your children can do together.
    • Set limits on the number of activities that family members do. Some families (particularly large ones) say that kids can do only one or two activities at a time and that one evening each week is reserved for family time.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Try to keep your schedule free of too much activity. Young children don’t do well with packed schedules. Yes, they like routines, but they also like times to be home with an adult.
    • Have a diaper bag (or an activity bag) packed and ready to go for times when you need to leave home without much notice. (For example, when your child suddenly gets sick, you may rush to the doctor and then find that your child gets bored in the waiting room. An activity bag packed in advance will help.)
    • Always be prepared with snacks, juices, and water bottles for times when you’re on the go and your young child gets hungry or thirsty.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Carry a deck of playing cards with you. When you and your child are waiting for a program to start (or for a doctor or dentist), play a game of Go Fish or another simple card game.
    • Work with other adults in your child’s life so that one adult doesn’t do all the driving (or accompanying kids on mass transit). For example, split up appointments and activities between both parents in two-parent families. For single-parent families, see if a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or friend can help out.
    • Make sure your child isn’t over- or under-scheduled. Your child also needs downtime at home, as well as time with you.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • As kids find activities they enjoy and excel at, they can sometimes get into programs that demand a lot more time and energy than what you’re used to. Learn as much as you can about the expectations before you agree to the activity. Parenting at the Speed of Teens is a helpful book that contains great advice on topics such as these.
    • Depending on how safe your area is, kids at this age sometimes can walk to programs (or be more independent by being dropped off at the door instead of walked inside). Don’t pull back too fast, but you can gradually loosen the reins.
    • Make sure you’re also finding activities that stimulate you as an individual. Your life shouldn’t revolve only around your kids. See if there’s a community education class you can take, or pick up an instrument you used to play. It will be easier to bring your kids to their activities when you’re also taking time for your interests as well.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Some parents are surprised how packed their schedule can get when older teenagers are involved in programs and activities. Even if your teenager is an independent driver, it’s still important to make time to cheer on and support your teenager at events and programs.
    • Be clear about your expectations for family meals and participation in family religious, spiritual, and cultural activities. Some teenagers can become so busy that you rarely see them. Try to schedule family dinners where everyone can be together.
    • Prepare yourself for the senior year, when many time-consuming, one-time activities pop up, such as getting your teenager’s senior pictures taken, helping him with college and scholarship applications, applying for college financial aid, preparing for a graduation open house, and helping him find a job (if he doesn’t have one already). Helping your older teenager make the transition from high school to his next step can create a lot of activity. For helpful advice on college applications, read Staying Sane During the College Application Process from ParentingTeensOnline.com.
  • If it feels like you’re always on the go with your older teenager, try to put the busyness in perspective. Soon she will be leaving home and you’ll have more of a say in how busy you are. It may not feel like it right now, but the Trace Adkins song may be right: “You’re gonna’ miss this.”

Building Art Smarts

Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.
—Pablo Picasso

Most young children have a natural desire to explore their creativity Ongoing arts involvement gives young people the opportunity to maintain and even expand these interests, skills, and aspects of their personalities that aren’t often drawn out in other activities such as school. Arts involvement can be fairly simple; it doesn’t have to include—but can—signing up for special programs. Here are some suggestions that span the years from birth to age 18:

Tips for . . .

  • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Dance with children to all kinds of music. Let them move with the music and create their own rhythms.
    • Display children’s art at work, at home, or anywhere. Keep the focus on how much your children enjoy the arts or new skills they are developing, rather than on assessing the quality of their work.
    • Anticipate and tolerate messes. Give children freedom to create within a certain space. Keep in mind that setup and cleanup may take longer than the activities themselves.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Introduce children to the work of famous artists such as Rembrandt, Grandma Moses, Claude Monet, Mary Cassatt, Pablo Picasso, Sesshu, and the Yoruba of Nigeria. Learn with them a few facts about these artists’ lives.
    • Ask children which arts they enjoy most at school—do they prefer music, drawing, theater, or dance? Help them develop their interests outside of school. For example, enroll children in community programs or parks and recreation department activities.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Encourage your children to get involved with the arts, but certainly don’t push your own “agenda.” As much as possible, let them choose what to do—play an instrument, act, sing, dance, paint, write, draw, throw pots—whatever interests them. Provide instruments, materials, or lessons if possible and appropriate.
    • Make the arts part of everyday life in your home. Explore different types of music; attend plays, musicals, concerts, dance performances, films, and operas as a family; visit art museums and cultural centers. Be sure to let your children choose some of the activities.
    • Learn to “let go” of your children’s artistic pursuits. At this point in their lives they are exploring who they are and what they like and want to do. Part of that may be that they set aside for now things for which they have a lot of talent. As hard as that can be for a parent to watch, they may be more inclined to come back to it on their own if they get to make that choice.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • If you played an instrument when you were younger, take a refresher course. Then set a good example and practice often. Or join a choir, try out for a play, pick up a paintbrush, or write a poem. Share your excitement with your children.
    • Practice can be a big pain—for parents and young people alike. Be clear about your boundaries related to practice and pay attention to your children’s enjoyment of it or lack thereof. You might, for example, say that you will pay for music lessons as long as your adolescent is practicing as assigned by the teacher. Another possibility is to put your children in charge of their own practicing and let them deal with the natural consequences of their choices.
  • Be open to a wide variety of arts-related experiences. Scan the newspapers for notices of free performances. Encourage your children to keep you informed about school plays, band concerts, and art exhibits, and attend them as a family.

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Talking with Your Kids about Sex

We asked some boys and girls . . . where they thought they had come from: “I was brought special delivery by the stork.” “Dad got me from the saloon.” “Mom found me at the hospital.”
—author Peter Mayle, Where Did I Come From?

Kids’ ideas about sex can be quite humorous, especially when they’re young. Where Did I Come From? reminds us that, while making healthy choices that show respect for ourselves and others is serious business, instilling these values in our children doesn’t have to be tense or uncomfortable. It will be easier to talk to your own kids about sex as they grow older if you make conversations about healthy sexuality a regular, normal part of your relationship with them now. And instead of giving them lots of information all at once, answer specific questions as they arise and offer age-appropriate insights as needed. Here are ideas that can help:

Tips for . . .

  • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Use simple, accurate words to describe all body parts and body functions.
    • Help young children become comfortable with their bodies by letting them be naked at appropriate times (such as in your home with just your immediate family) and without making disparaging remarks or worrying excessively about modesty.
    • Some kids will explore their bodies, including their genitals, through touch. This is healthy and normal.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Spend time in a library or bookstore reviewing children’s books on puberty, conception, pregnancy, and childbirth. Choose one or two that you like, and show them to your kids. Offer to read the books aloud. Leave books in an accessible location (their bedroom, a bathroom, or in the family room) if your children aren’t interested at first.
    • When your children ask where babies come from, offer honest, simple answers. Emphasize that parents trust each another and love their babies. If children think the idea of sexual intercourse sounds icky or weird, explain that for grownups who love each other, it’s actually normal and nice, and that as our bodies change and develop, our ideas and feelings about our bodies change, too.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Kids this age continue to have questions about sex and romantic relationships, but are also becoming less likely to ask you those questions. You’ll need to take the initiative. Car rides can be the perfect venue for one-on-one conversations because you have each other’s undivided attention.
    • Seize opportune moments to talk, such as after watching a movie or show together that contains content about sexual relationships (even those considered “family“ shows often do).
    • Emphasize that your children, like all human beings, are unique. Everyone’s experiences of sexual development will be somewhat different. This includes menstruation for girls and women, physical maturation for boys and men, feelings of arousal and attraction, masturbation, and the potential physical and emotional consequences of sexual activity. Be intentional about helping your kids make decisions that are right for them and their future partners.
    • Communicate your values clearly regarding sexual activity. Regardless of your moral beliefs, let kids know that abstinence is the only 100% percent effective way to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), including HIV/AIDS, herpes, chlamydia, and human papilloma virus (HPV). Research STDs if you’re unfamiliar with them, and ask your family physician to talk to your kids during their regular well-child exams.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Remind teens that romantic and sexual behaviors fall along a continuum from safe to emotionally and physically vulnerable. Encourage your teens to explore their sexual and romantic feelings toward others in ways that protect their own and their partners’ emotional and physical health.
    • If you haven’t done so already, teach your kids right away about the nature and consequences of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), including the fact that transmission is not limited to sexual intercourse.
  • Ask your teenagers whether their peers are sexually active. Explain that research studies have shown many teens think more of their peers are sexually active than actually are. And be aware that the most common form of sexual activity among young people these days is oral sex (sometimes between people who consider themselves “just friends”). Young people often think of this as “safer” sex because pregnancy isn’t one of its risks. They need to know that all their actions have potential physical and emotional consequences.

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Getting Your Child Excited about the Arts

All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.
—Pablo Picasso, Spanish painter

Kids often line up in one or two camps when it comes to the arts: either they’re interested, or they’re not. Or, they think they’re either an artist or not. Yet all kids are artists, and art can be interesting—once your child discovers the type of art that excites him or her. Research from Developmental Assets: A Synthesis of the Scientific Research on Adolescent Development shows that kids who are involved in the arts tend to achieve more at school, have higher self-esteem, are more creative, and are more self-motivated. In essence, the arts are a key way to help your child succeed. Get your child more interested in the arts with these ideas.

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Incorporate art into your lifestyle. Even if you don’t consider yourself an artist, note how you have an eye for art. It may be through cooking, decorating, the clothes you wear, or in another activity. Art is much broader than just doing art projects.
    • When you notice that something is beautiful or artistically pleasing, talk about. For example, maybe you like the architectural design of the community center, or the color combination of the school walls. Or a photograph, painting, or drawing captures your eye. Ask your child what he or she finds beautiful. To become more aware of everyday beauty, visit the blog One Year of Beauty.
    • Attend art showings at your child’s school, in your community, and in your congregation. Many coffee shops now display art, as do city and county halls, community centers, congregations, and local businesses. Many schools and communities are now recognizing local artists through art events and displays.
    • Examine art from other cultures, such as madhubani folk art from India, pysanky eggs from the Ukraine, or West African masks. Try creating an art form from another culture—or one from your culture.
    • Do art with your child. Even if it’s just finger-painting, coloring, or doing an art project, make art together. For art activities, visit Art Kids Rule!.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Make art part of your daily routine. Create opportunities for your child to paint. Draw. Color. Scribble. Create objects out of Play Dough®.
    • Check out a picture book with beautiful illustrations. Talk about the art you enjoy. Ask your child which pictures he or she likes.
    • Visit children’s museums. Many of these are hands-on activity museums, but they expose children to art as well as activity.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • See if your child is interested in taking an art or craft class. Community centers and nature centers often offer one-time or short-term arts and crafts activities for kids.
    • Post your child’s school art on your wall. Consider framing ones you especially like. You don’t need to invest much for a frame—many arts and crafts stores sell inexpensive frames that you can use over and over.
    • Spend time together with the comics section of your Sunday newspaper. Ask your child which comics he or she likes best and why. Point out the different art styles. Consider having your child create a comic strip for fun.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • See if your child is interested in any of the manga or anime arts that are often popular with kids this age. (You can usually find them in the graphic novel section of your library of bookstore.) Some kids enjoy drawing this type of art, others enjoy trying to create costumes or hairstyles of the characters.
    • If your child dislikes art, consider that it may be because he or she hasn’t discovered an art style that excites him or her. Many kids at this age enjoy cartooning or making jewelry. Keep introducing your child to different art styles.
    • See what your child thinks of the technological arts, such as computer art, digital photography, videography, architectural drafting, or mechanical arts. Because many kids at this age enjoy technology, they may get interested in art through technological media.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • For a family outing, visit a museum and look at the art. Also watch for special art exhibits that come to town, such as those that feature a specific artist or art movement.
    • If your teen enjoys art and is good at it, consider suggesting that he or she create an art exhibit for his or her senior year in high school. Or see if your teen is interested in selling art, or in submitting something to an art competition called Teen Ink Magazine. It is a publication devoted to publishing teen art and writing nationwide. For more information, visit Teen Ink and click on Magazine Edition.
    • Fill your house with art, whether it’s inexpensive art that you find at garage sales or professional art. Having art in your home shows teenagers how much you value it.
  • Build Developmental Assets by commissioning your teenager (and other kids) to create art for you to display in your home. Author Louise Erdrich says her father paid her a nickel for every story she wrote when she was a child, and she says this built her confidence in her ability to write and to get paid for it.

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When Your Child Doesn't Like School

All too often we are giving our young people cut flowers when we should be teaching them to grow their own plants.
—John W. Gardner

The reality is that some kids just don’t like school. At times the “fit” between teacher and student is not a good one. Children may struggle to find acceptance among peers. Learning disabilities can pose significant barriers to gaining a traditional education for some children. Many other reasons can factor into a child’s dislike of school.

The good news is that there are things you can do as a parent to help the child who dislikes school make the most of the educational process.

Tips for . . .

  • parents with children ages birth to 5
  • Help your child make friends among her preschool or kindergarten classmates so that school becomes a friendly place to spend time. Let her invite a special friend over for a play date or dinner. If making friends is hard for her, try connecting with parents of her classmates to encourage a “whole family” friendship.

    • Reading to your young child does more to develop curiosity and a love of learning than anything else—so read, read, read! Take turns reading simple words (and sentences) aloud when your child begins to recognize letter combinations and their sounds.
  • If you can spend time watching your child’s interactions at preschool or child care, you’ll be able to monitor his exposure to noise and activity levels, and evaluate his need for individual attention. Spending time in your child’s daily environment is a good investment of your time.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Parent-teacher conferences are so important. This is the time when you can ask specific questions about your child’s reaction to and participation in school activities. If you are unable to attend, be sure to communicate with teachers by phone or e-mail.
    • School should feel safe to children. If your child is being teased or bullied—in the classroom, on the playground, or to and from school—be sure to talk to your child’s teacher. Great resources are available for teachers and parents to work through bullying issues, so speak up as soon as you believe this is an issue.
    • Learning disabilities and difficulties with reading, writing, or math assignments can make children feel “dumb” or “lost.” If your child dislikes school for these reasons, ask her teacher for tutoring recommendations, appropriate testing, or modifications that allow assignments to be completed at home.
    • Some kids complain of boredom in the classroom. If this is the case, talk with your child and his teacher about enriching assignments to add more challenge. Ask for opportunities that add rigor and depth to your child’s education, and look for mentors and tutors who can help him delve more deeply into subjects that he loves.
    • Get to know school administrators in the building by volunteering, communicating with them by phone or e-mail, and greeting them in person when you see them. If your child has a problem or concern later on, you can fall back on the relationships you have already established with school leaders who can probably help mediate the situation.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Check in often with your teen or preteen about particular facets of school that are not going well. Kids need to feel safe and supported. Teasing and bullying do not end in grade school. You may have to become actively involved to ensure your child feels safe.
    • Kids often try to handle things on their own and may be reluctant to talk with parents about their problems. The lives of teens and preteens change with dizzying speed, so you’ll have to ask questions if you want to stay up-to-date. Make time to connect over a favorite meal, in the car, or on a walk so that the conversation can flow into what’s really going on.
    • Ask your child about new subjects being introduced in school. Look and listen for signs of interests that fire his imagination—and then help him learn more. Boredom is often the key to a child’s dislike of school.
    • Inform or remind teachers at conferences of your child’s unique interests and hobbies. Ask about ways that these interests can be woven into her schooling.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Encourage your teenager to help you identify at least one school adult who can be your family’s “ally” as she moves through high school. High schools are often so large that students and parents can feel intimidated. Having a contact person who knows the system can be a great deal of help.
    • If your teen is really struggling, contact school district leaders about education alternatives such as smaller learning communities, open enrollment in other schools or other districts, on-line learning, and other academic options. Traditional high schools aren’t for everyone, and trying something else can be the right step to take.
  • Remember to make regular time for conversations with your teen whenever you have the opportunity—over weekend pancakes, on the way to school, while running or biking together—so that you can really listen to what’s going on.

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When Kids Worry

Worry is like a rocking chair: It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.
—Erma Bombeck

It’s natural to worry when your kids are worried. Parents generally don’t like to see their kids in any state of distress. But some worry is normal and even healthy, and it’s best for parents to let their children learn from it. If, for instance, your daughter has a presentation in the morning and hasn’t prepared, it makes sense for her to be worried and that might compel her to take action. On the other hand, there are times when too much worry should raise a red flag. Talking with other parents can be a good way to get a sense of how “normal” your children’s worries really are. In addition, the tips below can help you help your children learn how to cut down on pointless “rocking.”

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Worry that lasts for weeks or months at time, causes your child a lot of suffering, shows up as physical symptoms, or otherwise interferes with day-to-day life may be a cause for concern. A relatively small percentage of young people are diagnosed with and treated for what’s called anxiety disorder. One Web site for more information is www.worrywisekids.org.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Separation and stranger anxiety are normal for children in this age group. Both show a healthy attachment to their primary caregivers. When your children feel this kind of stress, show that you aren’t afraid or concerned, and assure them they are safe and/or you will come back for them.
    • Children this young are only beginning to separate what’s real from what is not. Until they are able to do so they may be easily frightened by costumes, movies, and other types of “make believe.” It’s important to let them know they are safe and then turn off the set or take off the mask.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • As children learn more about the world, they begin to fear real things. Fire drills, storms, illness, and other scary events might trigger intense reactions and emotions. Take their fears seriously and talk with them about the remoteness of dangers like fires and lightning, and about how taking precautions keeps us safe.
    • Resist the urge to brush off concerns that seem minor to you. Instead ask questions, listen attentively, reflect back what you hear your child saying, and offer insights.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • A big worry for older children and young adolescents has to do with their place in the world. Concerns about their intellect and physical appearance, as well as the number and types of friends they have, are all normal. You can help them by acknowledging these concerns if and when they share them, but not getting caught up in them yourself.
    • Learning about various physical and mental health concerns in school can cause temporarily exaggerated worries in children about illness and injury. Be sure to continue to teach your children ways to take care of themselves and make wise choices.
    • Keep in mind that much adolescent worry is about over-thinking “what-if” scenarios. “What if I don’t get invited?” “What if something terrible happens?” “What if she gets really mad?” Sometimes you can put a stop to this my simply asking, “Okay, so what if that really happened or you really made that choice?” By getting them thinking about the real consequences rather than just ruminations, they can better see if there are actions they can take, or that maybe things aren’t as bad as they seem.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Sometimes teenagers have the opposite problem from too much worry; they can tend to think they are invincible. Continue to set boundaries and enforce consequences that are consistent with your family’s values and designed to protect your teens’ well-being.
  • If your teenagers worry about a specific problem such as weight, acne, or an inability to concentrate, help them find solutions through the Internet, books, personal contacts, or talking with a professional such as a pediatrician.

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Appearance

For many young people, even very young children, having control over their appearance is an important part of building a personal identity. Parents, on the other hand, often find their kids’ fashion choices and grooming habits appalling. Furthermore, advertisers are working hard to sell certain brands, styles, and trends to you and your children. Where should you draw the line for your family between healthy self-expression and inappropriate choices? Below are some ideas for finding compromise.

Tips for . . .

  • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Focus on children’s emerging personalities, not on their looks.
    • Avoid fights about clothing. Kids this age may have strong opinions, may not care at all, or may be inconsistent. Depending on a child’s temperament, it may work to have a “uniform“—a rotating set of similar clothes or one drawer full of clothes that are always okay to choose from.
    • Base guidelines for dressing on comfort and function (like being able to fasten their own pants after using the bathroom), not on style.
    • parents with children 6 to 9
    • Limit how much you focus on appearances—your own or anyone else’s.
    • Respond to concerns about appearance respectfully. Avoid acting as though kids are silly or too young to care about such things.
    • Start talking with your kids about the ways (such as featuring cartoon characters in clothing ads) that manufacturers and retailers try to get them hooked.
    • parents with children 10 – 15
    • Pay attention to the messages your children might be trying to send about themselves through what they wear. Does she feel confident and strong? Is he trying to set himself apart as “different” from other siblings or friends?
    • Set clear boundaries regarding which clothing and accessories you are willing to pay for, which ones or types they must purchase on their own, and which are unacceptable
    • Help them think and learn about the difference between dressing attractively, dressing provocatively, and dressing inappropriately.
    • parents with children 16 to 18
    • Make sure you and your children know the school rules about dress and appearance, and know the consequences for violating them.
    • Learn to be flexible when setting boundaries and to take the long view. Trends come and go and always will.
  • Talk about the potential health risks of unusual piercings and tattoos. Share your views about the pros and cons of these procedures, including how teens’ tastes might change as they mature.

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Children and Media: Nurturing Savvy Communication Consumers

According to the National Institute on Media and Family’s study “Media Use and Obesity among Children,” children spend more time sitting in front of electronic screens than doing any other activity besides sleeping.

Kids’ excessive screen time comes with all kinds of hazards: lack of physical activity, exposure to adult themes and content, and lack of interaction with family and peers. And then there are the ads—for almost every product imaginable, including alcohol and medications intended for adult use only. Ads also send strong messages about personal appearance and other topics to which children and teens are especially attuned. Fortunately, you can do many things as a parent to help your children and teens navigate the world of marketing.

Tips for . . .

  • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Limit young children’s computer, television, and video exposure. Make sure they have ample opportunity for imaginative play.
    • Pay attention to what your kids watch. Know the general content and themes of the shows and videos you let them see. Research shows that some children begin to build “brand loyalty” at age two, so choose shows that include little or no advertising.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Talk about differences between commercial advertising and program content on the television. While very young children cannot make a distinction, by this age they can begin to understand the difference.
    • Set aside media-free family time on evenings or weekends. Play games, read aloud together, toast marshmallows, listen to music, play outside, go on an outing, or plan some other enjoyable activity together.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Discuss with your children the ways advertisements persuade us that certain products will make life better. Talk about whether, and how, “stuff” can make us happy, healthy, and more secure.
    • Know the sites your children visit on the Internet. Ask them to show you a few favorites. Talk with other parents about what they know. Ask your child’s teachers to tell you about popular sites.
    • Let your children know you may occasionally check your computer’s log of Internet activity. Talk to them about any Web sites that are unfamiliar to you.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • With your teenagers, check out the Web site www.mediafamily.org, which offers information about becoming savvy media consumers.
  • Instruct your teens never to give out personal information or sign up for promotions and programs without first checking in with you.

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Fit, Fun, Fabulous Families

Have you been thinking about getting in better shape? Looking for fun, low-stress ways to connect with your kids? Well, “tricking” yourself into exercise might be just what the doctor ordered. For some it may only be a matter of deciding to stand rather than sit, jog (or skip) rather than walk, or ride rather than drive. And many families find that simple, enjoyable choices about shared physical activity (such as playing catch together rather than watching a show) create a sneaky path to healthier, happier bodies, minds, and relationships.

For more advice on keeping your family moving, see Staying Active.

Tips for . . .

  • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Play with babies in ways that encourage movement. Set them on their tummies so they learn to push themselves up. Show them how to reach for toys or, help them practice walking while you hold their hands.
    • Be a role model by taking care of your own body through regular activity.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Invite your children’s friends to be active with you: visit a playground, build something big, garden, go for a walk or ride bikes.
    • Encourage your kids to try various sports and activities, including less common ones like folk dance or kickboxing. Find activities they enjoy and that help them feel successful.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • If possible, honor your children’s growing independence by allowing them to bike to friends’ houses, music lessons, or a park.
    • Limit their time on TV, computer, and video games. Many young people choose to be active when not glued to a screen.
    • Round up a group of kids and adults from your neighborhood for a game of kickball or dodgeball (with a very soft ball!)
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Support the physical activities they love. If it’s dance—attend recitals, hiking—plan a backpacking trip; sprinting—go to their meets, swimming—buy a pool pass or find a nearby beach.
    • Help them find part-time jobs that include physical labor. Examples include landscaping, child care, stocking groceries, or coaching.
  • According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control, people of all ages can benefit from moving their bodies more. Experts recommend 10,000 daily steps as a good target. A lot of people typically get many fewer than that — some as low as 300-400.Consider buying a pedometer for each family member and keeping track. Most people can safely add about 2,000 a day toward their goal. You can learn more about this and other healthy lifestyle choices at www.shapeup.org.

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Household Chores

Vacuums don’t clean houses. People clean houses.
—Lew Schneider, American writer

If you wish your child helped out more at home, you’re not alone. According to research from Arizona State University, the four most common tensions about household chores include parents wishing kids would: (1) clean their rooms, (2) pick up their dirty clothes, (3) put their dirty dishes in the sink, and (4) hang up wet towels. The same research study also found that kids between the ages of 6 and 18 do about 12 percent of household chores—leaving 88 percent to the parents. How can you get everyone to help with household chores? Consider these ideas.

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Create a chore list: list all the chores that need to be done and when, and then divide family chores up between family members. Or create a job jar: list chores one by one on slips of paper, fold them, and put them in a jar. Then have family members choose a piece of paper and get to work.
    • Set aside a time when everyone does chores together, such as a Saturday morning or a part of a Saturday afternoon. Explain that everyone will do chores at the same time and no one can do anything else until all the chores are completed. Encourage family members to help each other out to get chores finished sooner.
    • Be patient. Very few people enjoy doing chores, so expect kids to take short cuts and not always complete a chore to your liking. Continue having high expectation but don’t expect kids to start out with enthusiasm or great mastery.
    • Talk about why doing household chores is important. Chores keep your home clean and enjoyable. They teach responsibility and help you make decisions. You can take pride in doing a job well, and everyone in a family is happier when everyone does his or her share.
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Find chores that are age appropriate for your kids. For example, get a big feather duster and let your child dust. Or let your child set the table by placing the silverware next to place settings.
    • Encourage kids to pick up after themselves. Use a toy bucket and make time every day for you and your child to pick up the toys and place them in the bucket.
    • Stick with kids during chore times. They often get distracted by other things and need reminding to stay on task. They’re also more likely to finish their tasks if you work side by side with them.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Place your child in charge of the chores during chore time. If you have a job jar, let your child choose one slip of paper to give to each family member. Then ask your child what advice he or she has before everyone starts.
    • Make chore time fun by playing music. You can also learn and sing the song “Whistle While You Work“ from the movie Snow White.
    • Figure out ways that kids can help out with parts of chores. For example, show kids where each family member’s sock drawer is. Then when the laundry is folded, have your kids put each family member’s socks away.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Teach your child more complex household chores as they grow. For example, 10- and 11-year-olds can learn how to strip the bed and put the sheets and pillowcases into the chute or laundry hamper. Teach 13- to 15-year olds how to do laundry.
    • If you have a yard, teach kids how to help with outside chores, such as raking leaves, pulling weeds, shoveling snow, and mowing the lawn. Kids are more likely to stick with chores if family members are out doing them together.
    • Talk about how household chores and homework are important responsibilities. Even if you don’t enjoy doing them, it’s often helpful to do these tasks first and then have fun later. Or if there are too many chores (or too much homework), do some for 30 minutes, take a break for 30 minutes, and then come back and do some more.
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • If it seems to you that your older teenager does fewer chores at this age then at a younger age, you are not alone. According to Arizona State University research, the amount of household chores done by this age group declines sharply due to more challenging schoolwork, more complex schedules, part-time jobs, and other demanding activities. Some parents allow older teenager to do fewer household chores as long as they keep their grades up and are involved in other activities. Other parents believe that older teenagers still need to participate in a few household chores.
    • If your teenager gets into a money jam (such as dropping his iPod into the toilet and completely ruining it) and you don’t want your teenager to get a job, consider creating household chores for your teenager to do for money. Instead of choosing everyday chores (such as washing dishes or picking up the house), figure out special projects, such as cleaning out a closet and donating things you don’t use to Goodwill, helping to erect a trellis, or digging up a new flower bed outside.
  • Older teenagers usually can’t wait to be an adult. Make it clear that responsibilities go hand in hand with the freedoms of adulthood. For example, maybe you require your 18 year old to do his or her wash each week. Or maybe you insist that your 18 year old has to cook for the family once a week. Be creative, but be consistent.

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Bored Kids, Busy Parents

The child supplies the power, but the parents have to do the steering.
—Benjamin Spock, pediatrician

One of the biggest tensions between parents and kids is that sometimes kids don’t have enough to do, while parents have too much to do. It’s difficult not to cringe when your child complains about being bored when you wish your life didn’t have so much responsibility and activity. Instead of getting exasperated, consider these ideas.

Tips for . . .

  • all parents
    • Know that your kids will get bored. It’s part of growing up. As their brains go through changes, children go through periods when they are able to easily find things to do—and times when they aren’t.
    • Avoid “fixing” your child’s boredom. Even though they complain about boredom, most kids can find something worthwhile to do.
    • Create a “beat boredom” box with your child. Together, brainstorm activities he enjoys doing. Write each on a separate piece of paper and fill up a box. The next time your child gets bored, pull out the “boredom box” for ideas.
    • Kids will get bored if the programs they attend aren’t interesting. Look for high-quality programs where kids are learning new skills, developing close relationships with peers and adults, feeling safe, doing something they feel passionate about, helping others, and getting opportunities to make decisions.
    • Find interesting books for your kids to read. To find ideas for each age group, visit “The Best Children’s Books by Age”:http://www.parents.com/family-life/entertainment/childrens-books/ from Parents magazine.
    • Monitor your activity level. Yes, you will always have a long to-do list. Discern what really needs to be done—and what can wait (so you can spend some time with your child).
    • parents with children ages birth to 5
    • Young children may complain about boredom when they want to spend time with you. When you hear their complaints, spend a few minutes with your child (if you can). Ask what she would like to do with you. After awhile, your child will usually be more content to continue the activity with you close by.
    • Keep young children stimulated with everyday, household items. Have them make a tower with tissue boxes. Pull out pots and pans and let them bang away. Pour uncooked rice into a pan and let your older preschool child drive small cars through it.
    • Visit the library and have your young child find interesting books. (Poke around for others that you may think will interest your child.) Frequent trips to the library often will beat the boredom blues.
    • parents with children ages 6 to 9
    • Invite your bored child to help you with household chores, such as doing laundry, cooking a meal, setting the table, or dusting. Make a game out of the chore, and soon you’ll both be having more fun.
    • Introduce your child to new activities. Sometimes children at this age get bored because they are no longer interested in playing tee ball (or whichever sport or activity your child takes part in) and want to try something else. Kids at this age typically don’t know about other options, so help them find some.
    • Visit some of your child’s favorite places, such as the zoo, the library, the children’s museum, and the playground. As children get older, they often find new wonders that amaze them.
    • parents with children ages 10 to 15
    • Some kids at this age get bored easily—and often. Many feel that they’re stuck in an in-between stage. Introduce them to new books, movies, and activities that may capture their interest. (A librarian will often have good tips for book ideas.)
    • Monitor what your child does when he gets bored. Some kids download inappropriate movies and TV shows from the internet. Be clear that this is not acceptable. Steer their energy in another direction.
    • It’s normal for kids at this age to explore many different interests and activities. Because they can quickly change their minds, it’s often better to sign them up for short-term activities. Otherwise, you and your child could get stuck in power struggles if you want her to keep going to an activity only because you paid for it.
    • Make sure that kids continue to stay engaged in school. Some get bored at this age and begin to detach. Tap into their curiosity about subjects that fascinate them, such as growing mold on bread (this may be happening in their rooms or lockers, anyway), researching why people burp, or learning pig Latin (and teaching it to their friends).
    • parents with children ages 16 to 18
    • Teenagers can become bored with their daily schedule, particularly if it’s not stimulating enough or too intense. Help them find a balance.
    • What really gets your teenager excited? Sports? Music? Art? Mechanics? Fashion design? Encourage their passions. To learn more about this, read Sparks and Thriving.
  • Ask your teenager which friends and adults they enjoy being with. Friendships can shift during the teenage years, and it’s helpful for teenagers to see that spending time with fascinating peers and adults can make their lives much more interesting.

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Is It Bullying? Question 2

A teenager regularly texts a girl he likes, asking where she is and who she is with. Is it bullying?

Teen Sexuality 4

Some people in our society make us think boys can’t control their sexual behavior, so that puts pressure on girls to have sexual intercourse if a boy wants to. How is this way of thinking harmful to boys?

Online Safety 10

Who is more likely to post photos and videos online?

dxtest

Search Institute Teams up with Target

Search Institute, the creator of ParentFurther, has teamed up with Target to provide tips for families on summer learning. Every week, Target will be posting five tips on their Facebook page to help families encourage learning throughout the summer. These tips, like the articles on ParentFurther.com, are research-backed and real-world-tested. Visit Target’s Facebook page today to get tips on summer learning for your family!

Check out Target’s Facebook page.

For tips, see our Summer Learning session.

Quiz: Staying Safe Online

Page 4 of 10

What percentage of young people are at least somewhat concerned that the personal information they post online could negatively impact their future?

Tip of the Day, Sept. 22

Join one of your children in an activity for which you think you might be “too old.”

Tip of the Day, Oct. 29

The next time your child talks with you, look her or him directly in the eye and pay close attention to the words you hear and the hidden messages you sense.

Tip of the Day, Nov. 20

This week, play with your kids, whether they are tiny babies or almost-adult teens. Let go of thinking you have to act a certain way because you are a certain age.

Tip of the Day, Dec. 16

Think of some amazing and wonderful change in your child, and tell her or him about it.

Tip of the Day, Jan. 13

Children will always challenge limits. Talk about why you set rules on movies, games, and curfews. To help with compliance, share your expectations with the parents of their friends.

Tip of the Day, Feb. 4

At your next family meal, ask each person to say one positive thing that the other members contribute to your family.

Tip of the Day, Feb. 26

As you help your children grow, find ways to grow your own spirit and soul. They will be inspired.

Tip of the Day, Mar. 22

Promote peace in your household by reminding your child that it starts with each one of us. Teach problem solving and getting along with others early in life.

Tip of the Day, Apr. 13

Be your kids’ hero by always doing what you think is right and best, even when it’s very, very hard to do.

Tip of the Day, May 5

Give your children the best foundation possible so they’re better equipped to take their own path.

Tip of the Day, May 27

Practice being patient when it’s relatively easy, so you’ll be better at it when it’s harder.

Tip of the Day, Jun. 18

Kids need to figure out for themselves their place in the world. Putting safety first, let them experiment with different styles, attitudes, and interests.

Tip of the Day, Jul. 12

Babies are born trusting in the love of their caregivers. As they grow older, children sometimes need reminders. Give your children some sort of token—a note, perhaps—of your deep love.

How Rude!

Lying

  • Talk about lies and withholding information. Explain when you’re tempted to lie and why. Discuss how you make decisions to be honest instead of deceitful.
  • Choose your battles carefully. Not all lies are the same. All of us tell white lies at times. Be harder on the big lies your child tells than the smaller lies, but make it clear that honesty and tact are the best choices.
  • Admit when you’ve made a mistake. Adults are not perfect people. Kids admire adults when they own their mistakes and correct them.
  • Avoid treating your child as a suspect. Yes, your child may have lied, but don’t act as an interrogator. Instead, calmly explain why you’re upset about the lie. Talk about how people have a hard time trusting someone who has lied and how important trust is in any relationship.

Swearing

  • Children learn to swear from people who use foul language, so make sure you set a good example in your home. If you don’t swear but your child starts to, pay attention to where he is learning the behavior. Try to get this person or people to stop using this kind of language around your child.
  • Watch your reactions. If you laugh or give your child a lot of attention when she swears, she will most likely do it again.
  • Older kids and teenagers learn that swearing is a way to blow off steam. Encourage your kids to use other words. Some kids actually enjoy being creative and inventing their own slang or just making sound effects and making distorted faces instead.
  • If kids continue to swear when you’ve asked them not to, remove privileges until they’ve learned to stop.

Burps, Farts, and Other Gross Behavior

  • Take a deep breath. It’s normal for kids to discover that their bodies can burp, fart, and make noises that they never imagined. Part of this comes from curiosity, but another part comes from discovering what makes people laugh—or groan.
  • Create clear guidelines about how to act. Decide which behaviors are inappropriate all the time, and those that are okay just with family and friends. Maybe you think burping is okay for friends to do during playtime but decide that it’s inappropriate during meals and when you’re in public.
  • Expect some gross behavior. As kids grow and learn, they sometimes accidentally do gross things, such as drip urine on the toilet seat, forget a half-eaten banana in a backpack, or smear ketchup on the table. What matters is how you respond and how you teach your child to act.
  • Watch your reactions—and the reactions of others around you. It’s hard to teach a child not to fart loudly if other family members can’t stop laughing when it happens.

You Said What?

  • Realize that your kids will say outlandish, inappropriate things at times. Sometimes they’re testing you to see how you’ll react. Sometimes they’re mimicking another person—or a character they’ve seen on TV.
  • Be clear of what’s appropriate and what’s not. You don’t want your kids to point at people who look different from them and say derogatory remarks.
  • Teach your kids how to interact with others respectfully and graciously. They need to learn not only what to say but how to talk with others. Encourage them to look people in the eye, smile, answer questions, and ask questions.
  • Some kids say horrendous things to feel accepted among their peers. This often happens when a group of older kids or teenagers get together. Place boundaries on them. Encourage them to find other ways to talk in creative—and less mean—ways.

Is American Idol setting a good example for your kids?

American Idol clearly shows we’re placing too much emphasis on fame and fashion rather than on individual talent and the contributions people make.

Consider these Facts:

1. American Idol is the number one, most-watched show according to the Nielsen ratings.1
2. More people watch the Wednesday evening American Idol, when people get voted off the show, than the Tuesday evening show, where contestants sing and compete.2
3. This season (season 9) has experienced rating drops, with fewer viewers than in previous years.3
4. Contestant Crystal Bowersox was hospitalized during this American Idol season.4 Experts say the pressure and schedule is too intense, and that a number of contestants in previous years have either been hospitalized, gotten sick, or have been injured.5
5. TV Guide magazine published an article on _American Idol_’s Best and Worst Makeovers. Aaron Kelly (who was voted off May 5) got an A-. Siobhan Magnus (who was voted off April 28) got a C-.5

Here’s My Take on It:

Now that Lee DeWyze is the new American Idol, I think there’s been too much emphasis on moving contestants from rags to riches. (The final three Idols consisted of a paint salesman, a single mom, and a construction worker.) We’re overlooking what American Idol should really be about: finding and expressing your true spark. When American Idol contestants sounded like recording artists, they performed songs that fit who they were; they stretched themselves artistically; and they added their unique talent, creativity, and personality to each song. Unfortunately, the fame-and-fashion factor too often overshadowed contestants finding their true voice, deepening their passions, and growing as singers.

The competition also became too much about popularity (or making a statement), rather than about voting for true singing talent. (The Web site www.votefortheworst.com encouraged people to vote for the worst singer to win, and it lobbied hard for people to vote for Lee DeWyze.) As a family, we talked about the years that it takes to develop a craft or a skill and that the American way of instant success and instant fame can get in the way of the commitment and artistry that really matters. Instead of over-idolizing the new American Idol, we should focus on the potential of each one of our kids and help them find their sparks and unique voices.

Talk Further

Ask your child: “Would you ever compete on American Idol? Why or why not?”

Explore Further

Is American Idol setting a good example for your kids? Share your comments below.

Footnotes

1. USA Today, “Prime-Time Nielsen Ratings,” USA Today, May 19, 2010, 5D.
2. Ibid.
3. Bill Keveney, “Idol Ratings Take a Tumble,” USA Today, May 4, 2010.
3. Gil Kaufman, “Crystal Bowersox Hospital Stay Is Latest American Idol Health Scare,” MTV.com news, March 3, 2010.
4. Ibid.
5. Shawna Malcom, “American Idol’s Best and Worst Makeovers,” TV Guide Magazine, April 2010.