ParentFurther

Rituals don’t need to be complex to be meaningful. Look closely at your current rituals to see what’s working—and what can improve. Consider these ideas:

• Place—Where do your holidays and celebrations take place? Do they occur at someone’s home? At a restaurant? In a park? Having a safe, nurturing, predictable place can add meaning to your ritual. To see this, ask your child what he would think if Thanksgiving was no longer held at his grandparents’ home. You may be surprised about how that sense of place gives children a sense of belonging and predictability.
• Food—Which foods are associated with a particular holiday or occasion? Which foods can be replaced with other foods that may bring more meaning? One family that had members who were vegetarian began cooking two turkeys for Thanksgiving: one that was an actual turkey and another that was made out of tofu.
• People—Which people attend the celebration? How can you encourage people of different generations and families to talk and share time together? How do you honor the absence of someone, whether that person is deployed for a military assignment, is sick, or has died?
• Cultural connections—Many families show their links to their ancestral cultures by including recipes, rituals, songs, and activities from the “homeland.” Whether a family eats Indian curry, Mexican tamales, or Scandinavian lutefisk, these connections anchor the family in their cultural heritage.
• Decorations—The way you decorate for a holiday also adds meaning to the holiday. Do you light candles? Are there decorations on the table? On the walls? At the door? Decorations are visual symbols of what’s important.

• Activities—Which activities mean a lot to you and your kids? Some families play card or board games on holidays. Some go for walks through the neighborhood. Some volunteer together. Find activities that get people connecting, laughing, and enjoying being with each other.

All holidays and special occasions combine different places, foods, people, cultural connections, decorations, and activities. Think about which ones your family’s celebrations include. Do these combinations work well? Could you make any improvements? Ask your family members, and make sure to include children.

As holidays or special events approach, kids may resist attending or participating. Be careful not to jump to conclusions (like thinking there’s nothing you can do about it). Instead, ask questions to find out what’s really going on and see what you can do to lower your child’s resistance.

• Kids know when they’re in the way or that they’re not wanted. Some families place a large emphasis on the adults getting together and talking, which can be boring to kids. If this is the case, try to find a way to create an activity or two that the kids find interesting.
• Monitor your family’s activity and stress levels. When kids feel overwhelmed, they’re less likely to want to do things. Sometimes it helps to say that instead of attending a holiday event for an entire day that you’re only going to stay for three or four hours.
• Make the case for family holidays. Even if kids think they’re stupid and boring, point out how they’re something your family does and values. Work to interject activities or rituals that will get your kids more interested.

• If the holiday or special occasion is open to outsiders, consider letting your child invite a friend along. This is often helpful for family reunions and picnics.

Kids may be resistant to celebrating family holidays for various reasons. But by making an effort to understand what your child dislikes about these events, and making some concessions (if necessary), you can make special occasions better for everyone.