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Parenting More Than One Child


What's The Secret to a Peaceful Household?

While many of the same principles apply to both single-child and multiple-child parenting, there are several issues that parents of one child don't have to deal with. Not only will you have to manage your relationships with multiple children, but you'll also have to help your children relate to each other. Sometimes you'll deal with rivalries, arguments, and fights . . . and sometimes you'll have two inseparable best friends. That's the nature of parenting siblings. And while it can seem like a really tough job, it can also be very rewarding. Whether you have 2 kids or 10, many of the principles remain the same. Raising siblings, just like raising a single child, takes patience, commitment, a strong support network, and a lot of love. Keep reading to find ways to improve your relationships with your children, as well as improve their relationships with each other.

Did You Know?

  • Among parents with three or more children, 65 percent say that sibling rivalry makes their job more difficult.1

  • Sibling relationships can be one of the closest and most intimate relationships a person has throughout his or her life.2

Common Questions From Real Parents

It seems like my kids are always fighting. What can I do to help them get along better?

Sibling fights are never going to go away. That’s just a fact of family life. You can encourage your children, however, to use more positive conflict-resolution skills that will defuse many of their arguments before they become full-blown fights. Model these skills when you have disagreements with your parenting partner, other family members, and your children. Make it a point to show your child that strategies such as compromising, sharing, and taking turns are more effective than shouting or arguing.
Simple Tips for Resolving Sibling Conflicts >

I get along with one of my children much better than the other, and I feel guilty about favoring that child, even though I don’t try to.

Many parents find that their personalities are a better match for one of their children’s than the other or that they bond more easily with one than the other. This is nothing to feel guilty about. What’s important to remember is that you love both of your children and that a child who thinks differently than you do can provide a unique and different perspective on life. Make sure to tell both of your children that you love them very much and that they are both special to you.
More About Playing Favorites >

Sibling Relations

As the parent of any set of siblings will tell you, this relationship is a complicated and ever-changing issue. One day, your kids might be each other’s best friends. The next day, they could be worst enemies. And they’ll be back to being inseparable the next day. Read on for some tips on encouraging positive relationships between your children.

 
Let your children know you appreciate it when they treat each other kindly. Say such things as “I like to see you helping your sister with that,” or “Isn’t it great when we all work together?”

Set clear limits about verbal exchanges and physical engagements. For example, you may have household rules that do not allow name-calling and allow for physical activities such as play wrestling only when both children involved are having fun.

Practice staying out of minor bickering and fights. This will help your children learn to resolve conflicts on their own. You can offer advice if you’re asked, but try to keep out unless the situation threatens to become emotionally or physically hurtful.

Set a good example by modeling positive relationships with your own siblings. Point out what you like about your family and let your older children see how you positively resolve conflicts.

Siblings, no matter their age, have a special kind of relationship, and that relationship requires a lot of work to maintain. If you help your kids establish a positive relationship with each other early on, you’ll be laying the foundation for good relations long into the future.

Resolving Sibling Conflicts

Fights with siblings are different from fights with friends. After a fight with a friend, the people involved can take time away from each other to cool off before coming back to rationally discuss the argument. This becomes much more difficult when the people involved live under the same roof (especially if your children are younger and don’t have the necessary positive conflict-resolution skills).

 
Get both sides of the story—ask each of your children what the conflict was about. Find out how the argument started and how it escalated. Listen to each of your children and try to get facts, not opinions. It may be helpful to talk with your children one-on-one for this step.

Encourage your children to try resolving the conflict again after they’ve cooled off a bit. It can be tough for kids to take this step, so suggest that they spend some time alone and then have a calm, peaceful discussion about the issue.

Only offer advice if it’s asked for or if you think it’s warranted. If you jump in and solve the conflict, your children won’t learn any positive resolution skills, and the arguments will continue. If your children ask you for help in resolving the conflict, explain to them the reasons for giving the advice that you did.

Congratulate your children when they resolve a conflict on their own. Tell them how proud you are of the skills they are developing.

It takes time, practice, and guidance for kids to develop conflict-resolution skills—be patient, and remember that it’s not always easy to live with a sibling. You can help, but eventually your kids will have to work out their relationship—and their arguments—on their own.

Playing Favorites

Parental love is an infinite, renewable resource. It may not feel that way, however, when your personality is more compatible with one child’s than another’s. Even if this is the case, you can still have very positive relationships with all of your children. You may simply have to go about it differently.

 
It’s wise to acknowledge to yourself (although not to your children) that it’s easier for you to bond more with one child than another. Being personally honest is the first step in turning any discrepancy into a positive situation.

Remember that each child is a unique and creative individual, with her own strengths, weaknesses, and distinctions. If one of your children thinks very differently than you do, don’t pass judgment—appreciate the fact that she has a different perspective and a different outlook on life than you do.
Avoid comparing your children to one another. Saying things like “When your brother was your age…” or “If you were like your sister…” can be judgmental and have a negative effect on your children’s relations with each other.

Similarly, don’t label your kids—calling one of them “the defiant one” puts a negative spin on a determined, independent nature, and can begin to form an expectation that your child feels compelled to meet.

Tell your children what’s special about them and that your love for them will never end. Some parents think that kids just know these things, but they won’t unless you tell them.

Make sure to spend one-on-one time with each of your kids so they know you appreciate and love them on an individual basis in addition to being a part of the family. Maintain this practice throughout childhood, if possible.

Teens mature and develop rapidly, and may experience drastic changes in their personalities. Remember that growing up is an individual process, and that it’s an important time for you to establish specific and unique bonds with each of your children.

Parents have different relationships with their different children—and that’s okay. Instead of worrying or feeling guilty about the differences in your feelings for your children, simply think about how each relationship is unique and how much you love all of your children, no matter how your personalities relate.

Siblings: Summary and Next Steps

Raising more than one child is a rewarding—if challenging—experience. Siblings often have very different personalities and interests, and you may get along with one more than another. Having more children around the house, however, is a sure way to bring more joy into your family’s life. Find resources below to help you with the difficulties that can arise, as well as appreciate how special your family is for having more than one child.