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Bullying and Violence: What You Need to Know

Whether your child is behaving as a bully or feels like a victim—or is simply a bystander while someone else is bullied—it is important to take the situation seriously. In recent years, bullying and cyberbullying have been linked to a spike in teen suicides, which has sparked a loud and clear public outcry to put a stop to bullying behavior, and forced parents, educators, and school administrators to take a step back, and address the problem. Sometimes parents or others may see "getting picked on" by tougher kids and hassling weaker ones as just part of growing up, but is this true? Should adults ignore the pecking order of childhood? When are we helping, and when are we ruining our children’s chances of surviving the cold, hard reality of adulthood?

Did You Know?



  • Half of public school principals (49%) report that bullying, name-calling, or harassment of students is a serious problem at their school.


  • Three-quarters of junior high or middle school principals say that bullying or harassment is a serious problem at their school, compared to 43% of elementary school principals and 45% of senior high school principals.1

Frequent Questions and Concerns about Bullying and Violence

Parents Ask:

Is It Bullying?

Different people have different definitions of bullying, but four characteristics qualify a situation as bullying: the behavior has to be intentional, be repetitive, be hurtful, and involve an imbalance of power.

  • Intentional—Children can hurt other children by accident. Bullying, however, is always intentional and meant to cause some sort of harm, whether it is physical or verbal. This behavior may persist even after the victim has asked the bully to stop.
  • Repetitive—In most cases, bullying happens repeatedly. Bullies often target children who they know will not do anything about the behavior, so they can continue bullying as long as they like.
  • Hurtful—Bullying is a negative behavior that may include physical or verbal harm. The types of hurtful behavior that qualify as bullying are varied, but they all cause harm of some sort to the victim.
  • Imbalance of power—If two children hold an equal amount of power, one cannot bully the other. This imbalance of power can come from different sources, including age, size, strength, and social status.

Even if you can’t remember the exact definition of bullying, you’ll probably recognize it when you see it. And when you know that bullying is taking place, it’s time to take action.

Preventing Bullying

 
Travel in Groups – It can be more difficult to face a bully alone.

Be Calm and Direct – Directly and respectfully stand up to bullies, even if you aren’t the person being picked on. Stay calm and let the bully know that unkind behavior is not okay.

Avoid Fighting – Speaking up is the right thing to do, but being verbally aggressive or using physical force will likely make the situation more dangerous.

Report the Situation – Tell adults what is going on. If an adult is not available during the situation, be sure to report it later. Parents, teachers, and counselors can help you stay safe and solve the problem.

Steps For Parents…

Be Informed – Learn about your school’s policy toward bullying. How do staff members respond to these situations? How can families be involved in solutions?

Reach Out – Get in touch with professionals who understand bullying. Talk with teachers, program staff, and counselors who have experience with this issue.

Speak Out and Connect- with other parents or community members who care about creating a safe, positive environment for kids.

Be Alert – When the circumstances are violent or dangerous, involve law enforcement officials. Some adults are hesitant to take this step, but it can be necessary for preventing violence and breaking the cycle of bullying.

What If My Child Is a Bully?

Most parents and parenting professional agree that disagreements, arguments, and fallings-out between friends are all normal and part of life. We can’t always protect our kids from pain and frustration. Behavior that crosses the line into bullying, however, is not normal. If you determine that there is a problem, it’s best to let your child know the behavior is unacceptable and, if necessary, seek help from a professional such as a doctor or psychologist. In addition, here are some ideas adapted from the Pacer Center. 1

Listen. Don’t Judge. Talk with your child, and find out what’s going on. Are her or his friends also bullying? Is your child struggling with an issue or perhaps a disability? Start by listening and not judging.

Teach empathy, respect, and compassion. Try to understand your child’s feelings and talk about what the victim might be experiencing. Is your child aware of the impact of the behavior?

Draw Clear Boundaries. Make your expectations and the consequences for violating them clear. Let your child know that bullying is never acceptable and that the consequences, such as loss of privileges or a face-to-face apology to the victim, will be enforced.

Teach by example. Model nonviolent behavior, practice constructive resolution of difficult situations, and give positive feedback when you notice healthy choices.

Show Love and Support. Offer and seek support for your child. Behavior change will take time. Give your child love and support, even if you are angry and upset, and seek out the help of others who can partner with you in your efforts to put a stop to the bullying.

If your child is bullying other kids, it’s important to step in and teach your child proper ways to behave with others. While her or his bullying may not be very harmful right now, it can escalate quickly and turn into something much more difficult to deal with. Regardless of the intensity of your child’s bullying, it is hurting others and needs to be stopped soon.

Cyberbullying

Bullying has moved beyond harassment at school or on the playground. In a 2006 study, one in three online teens reported experiencing a range of cyberbullying activities, including "receiving threatening messages; having their private emails or text messages forwarded without consent; having an embarrassing picture posted without permission; or having rumors about them spread online."1

Older children or teenagers may bully via text messaging, social networking sites, chat rooms, and other forms of digital or online communication. For the most part, cyberbullying is defined by the same characteristics as other bullying. There are some significant differences, though, that deserve mention.
You may feel uncomfortable monitoring your child’s online actions, but it’s crucial to be as well informed and up-to-date as possible. If you learn that your child is being cyberbullied, use some of the following tips from the National Crime Prevention Council on how to respond:

• Block communication with the cyberbully.

• Delete messages without reading them.

• Report the problem to an Internet service provider or website moderator.

Is your child being bullied? Get Help >

Is your child doing the bullying? Tips for Parents >
 

Did You Know?

  • How the balance of power is established is much different in cyberbullying. While physical strength, intellect, or social connections may be important factors in face-to-face bullying, technological know-how and access to information and technology become much more significant in the online world.
  • Do your kids know bullying when they see it? Learn to recognize the warning signs of bullying >


  • The impact of cyberbullying can be wider-reaching than in-person bullying due to the speed and breadth of the Internet’s reach: groups of youth have created websites used to make fun of other young people, teens have posed as other teens on social media sites, and embarrassing photos are sometimes circulated within a matter of minutes. The most infamous of these cases have had devastating consequences and led to lawsuits, arrests, suicides, and coverage in the national press.

Thinking Further: Summary and Next Steps

Bullying and violence are very difficult issues to deal with. It can be heartbreaking to learn that your child has been bullied, and frustrating if he or she is the one doing the bullying. But with positive intervention, you can help improve the situation.

If your child is prepared to deal with negative situations, he or she will be better able to handle bullying, and may even have a positive influence on the bully. And if you know when to step in, you can help prevent further violence from occurring, no matter whose child is involved.

We Recommend…

  • The Bully Free Classroom — With over 100 prevention and intervention strategies, this book for teachers and administrators will help you create a classroom free of bullying.

Useful Links…

  • www.StopBullying.gov —
    • StopBullying.gov provides information from various government agencies on how kids, teens, young adults, parents, educators and others in the community can prevent or stop bullying.
  • stopbullyingnow.com — You’ll find tips and strategies to help you prevent and deal with bullying in your community.
  • Cyberbullying — The National Crime Prevention Council provides a wealth of information on cyberbullying and what you can do about it.