Frequent Questions and Concerns about Bullying and Violence

I’ve heard that kids should just walk away from bullies, but shouldn’t I teach my child self-defense?

Learning self-defense skills, such as certain martial arts, can be a good way to strengthen a child’s confidence. There are also many useful things you can teach your child to do in bullying situations, such as telling an adult, staying with a group when around the bully, or directly and respectfully standing up to the bully. However, aggression, whether physical or verbal, will likely just aggravate the situation and could make it more dangerous.

I don’t want my child to be a tattletale, but he sees bullying happening at school. What should I do?

By not saying anything, a witness to bullying sends the message that it is okay. Teach your child to report bullying against himself or others to a trusted adult. If he does not get a response, he should keep telling others until he finds someone who will intervene. Getting help is crucial. A majority of young people who have committed extreme acts of school violence—such as shootings—were later found to have been either victims or perpetrators of bullying in their schools.¹

I’m worried that my child might be bullying someone else. What should I do?

It is painful to know that your child is bringing harm to someone else. It is important, however, to directly address the topic. You can use the questions in this section’s discussion guide to help you gauge the situation. Share your concerns with an adult you trust who spends time where you think the bullying is happening. Most other adults will respect your decision to raise the issue. In addition, you can show the following list to your child to get him thinking about his own actions.

You might be a bully if…

• There’s a boy or girl (or maybe more than one) whom you’ve repeatedly shoved, punched, or physically pushed around in a mean way just because you felt like it.
• You’ve asked someone else to hurt someone you don’t like.
• You’ve spread a nasty rumor about someone in conversation, in a note, or through e-mail, instant messaging, or text messages.
• You and your friends have regularly kept one or more kids from hanging out or playing with you, such as at your lunch table at school or during sports activities or activities that are a part of a club or other kind of group.
• You’ve teased people in a mean way, calling them names, making fun of their appearance or the way they talk, dress, or act.

• You’ve been part of a group that did any of these things—even if you only wanted to be part of the crowd.