What to Do When Your Child Says, "I HATE School!"

By: Michele Timmons

I have spent more than 20 years working in education as a teacher, school administrator, and educational consultant. I have worked closely with principals, teachers, parents and youth to make school a better place for kids, but I often meet young people who tell me how much they HATE school. When this occurs, I try to find the root of their strong feelings. From my research and experience, I have found that there are four main reasons why kids don’t like school.

1. The way the information is taught isn’t interesting or engaging to the young person.

2. The school (staff) isn’t meeting the child’s individual learning needs.

3. There is a hostile environment in the school or classroom.

4. The child is socially disconnected at school.

However, if you see changes in behavior such as a decrease in grades, detentions, or office referrals from teachers, or you have trouble getting your kids to go to school, stay at school, or even if you start to notice a surge in unexplained illnesses, there may be a real problem. Here are 8 tips to help your child if she says she hates school.

1. Get to the heart of the matter by finding the root cause for your child’s feelings. Set aside some time to have a one-on-one conversation with your child about school. Ask open ended questions to learn more about what they really like and dislike about school. The most important role parents play in this conversation is that of an active listener. Now is the time to really hear what your child has to say and not give your opinions. Once you have an idea as to which reason(s) are behind your child’s feelings then it is easier to begin brainstorming solutions.

2. Meet with your child’s teacher(s) and discuss your child's concerns. The best way to do this is to address the concerns in a positive manner. Together with the teacher brainstorm strategies for making the school or classroom experience more positive.

3. Encourage your child to take a learning style inventory and then share the info with your child's teacher. This helps the teacher learn a little bit more about what makes your child “tick”. Education World actually created a lesson plan for teachers to help them learn how to use learning style inventories in the classroom. You can do it with your child at home, or the teacher might do it with the whole class. Either way, it’s a great opportunity to learn what sparks your child’s interests.

4. Share your child’s sparks with his or her teacher(s). The special ability or interest kids have is their spark. Teachers can work with approximately 25 to 200 kids every day and it can be a challenge to learn what makes every child tick. Most teachers really want their classes to be relevant to their students, so the more you share; the easier it is for the teacher to tap into those interests during class.

[Related: Attend a free webinar this September to learn more about the importance of nurturing your child's sparks.]

5. Jeremy Schneider, author and family therapist, suggests one way to help kids is to try to find specific parts of the day they enjoy and celebrate those times. Find out if there is a certain time of day that is more difficult for your child than others. One parent told me that when she and the teacher met, they discovered that afternoons were the hardest time for her 7-year-old. Given this information, Mom and the teacher came up with a solution. They agreed that Mom would call him every day right after lunch and give him a quick pep talk to help him get through the rest of his day. It took four months, but in the end this strategy worked!

6. If your child has specific learning needs (gifted, learning disability, 504 Plan, ADD, etc.) and there is a plan in place for your child, staff are legally responsible to follow the plan. If the plan is not being followed, the teacher(s) or school may be in violation of state or federal laws. Ask the teacher if she is aware of the plan and provide a copy if needed. If problems continue, ask the school guidance counselor, social worker or principal to intervene. National Association of Parents with Children in Special Education (NAPCSE) and National Association for Gifted Children offer amazing resources to help parents better understand our rights and how to advocate for our children.

If you believe your child has a specific learning need but is not currently receiving services or supports, you can request additional help. Ask the teacher, counselor, or social worker to help you refer your child for help. While schools use different names for the process, all schools are mandated to have a process to identify children with specific learning needs. Whether the academics are too rigorous or not rigorous enough, the school is required to identify and support children with special needs. If you ask for assistance at the school and don’t receive it, call the district’s administrative office and request a meeting with the administrator in charge of students with special needs.

7. Sometimes, kids say they hate school because they are bullied. If your child believes he or she is being bullied, step one is to identify if the "bullying" that is happening is actually bullying, or if it can be categorized as something else, like developmentally appropriate conflict. Learn more about how to do that here. It's important to recognize that some amount of conflict is normal in our children's everyday lives, and it's our jobs, as adults, to raise resilient kids who can rise above difficult social situations.

[Learn More: How can building resilience help kids rise above bullying?]

If you have identified that your child is, in fact, being bullied and the situation is dangerous or life-threatening, it's important to take action. Most states now have anti-bullying laws and schools are mandated to intervene. Check out Three Simple Ways Parents Can Stop Bullying for more ideas.

8. Many children hate school because they have few or no social connections. They truly believe no one cares or even notices they exist. If this is your child’s concern, talk to the principal, a counselor, or social worker and ask them to identify an adult at school who will check in on your child daily and build a relationship. Many schools will also identify a student who has similar interests or schedules and ask them to be a buddy for your child. Also consider enrolling your child in an after school program, club, or athletics. This is a great way to make friends and feel connected to school.

All parents want our children to be happy, healthy, and resilient. So when our kids tell us they hate school, we want to do something to make it better. Most often, by trying one or more of these strategies, you will be able to resolve the concern. However, there are occasions when nothing seems to work. In this case I recommend talking to school or district administration about changing your child’s schedule. Sometimes a new set of classes eliminates many problems. If that doesn’t work, ask if there are other schools your child can attend. Many districts offer open enrollment where your child can attend a different school in the district or another community. There might even be a charter school in your area that will better meet your child’s needs.

If you have exhausted all avenues or if you believe mental health issues are at the heart of your child’s problem ask your school or family doctor for a referral to a mental health professional. WebMD has a great article on how to find a therapist. If you have a serious concern or think your child may be considering harming herself or others, contact a suicide hotline or call 911.

Try some of these strategies and let me know how they work for your family. Also, if you have other suggestions for supporting kids when they say they hate school, I’d love to hear them too.

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More Resources:

1. Baby Center Article: My child's schoolwork isn't challenging her and she says she's bored. What should I do?

2. Tips for active listening from Stephen Duncan: Listening to Children with Head and Heart

3. ParentFurther.com: Reaching Out to Your Child’s Teacher

4. For positive strategies for addressing concerns, check out Sam Horn's book, Tongue Fu® at School!

6. Search Institute: Sparks: How to Get Started

I don’t really under stand

HATING SCHOOL IS A PROBLEM
I’ve told my mum and she’s going to try and sort it out. I’m basically scared of going in (not because of bullies but because of loads of reasons, including the law ending environment. At the moment in off school because I can’t handle it and it makes me feel physically ill.

I’m not sure if my schools going to do anything actually handy about it because they’re only sorting everything out today… Probably not. Schools don’t understand childrens feelings, it’s all about education.

wow

[...] From What to Do When Your Child Says, “I Hate School!” (Timmons, http://www.parentfurther.com/blog/dealing-with-kids-who-hate-school) [...]

All i can say to young people reading this post is TRY in school.

The amount of work you have to do is nothing compared to what you will have to do everyday of your life for 75% of your life (unless you do well)

You will realize later on in life when you are working 9-12 hour shifts 5 times a week that losing 15 minutes of recess wasn’t really anything to be upset about

Try in school so you dont work twice the amount then people who tryed in school yet make maybe half of what they make.

Even though the classes are basically useless its better then making garbage money your whole life.

I used to think I was so smart and that high school didnt matter.

You’‘ find out real quick what happens.

Actually, the reason why I HATE school is because in high school, they teach us so much stuff that will never come in handy for the rest of our lives. AND The reachers give out so much work that some of us dont have lives outside of school then they are so ignorant to ask why we dont have much of a life outside of school.

I have a 17year old daughter that yells me she hates school n hates doing schoolwork n hates her tea hers n sstudentsand dDAT they are annoying she dont want to go to high school no more what can I do to help her

I received a letter from school today telling me that my 17 year old hasn’t been attending lessons and has got mock as exams next week. I have asked him about this and he says he hates school and the subjects that he is doing. He wants to leave but I.m afraid that he will end up without a job and any future without qualifications, help, wh
at can I do????

Super terrible

I am a freshman in high school and I feel like I’m about to die having to deal with school. I love learning, but the environment makes me cry myself to sleep often. I am socially isolated from everybody else.

Most of the people I know hate school because it’s boring. Also, nobody likes to wake up in the morning.

I’m a 13 year old girl in year 9 in England. I absolutely hate school and every time I even think about it or see it I cry and start to panic. I’m scared to go in everyday because of what people think of me the agonising teachers who give you crap every day. And I’m fed up of being compared to other students, not just I’m my form but the whole country. There are many more reasons but I’ve told my parents and everything they’ve said and done hasn’t made anything better :( I hate it and sometimes wish I didn’t have to go to school and be somewhere happy – 0:) (heaven)

I’m a kid so here is the real list

What we like

ICT
Playtime
Lunchtime
Home time

What we hate most to less

HOMEWORK
Spelling
Being bullied (I’ve been bullied by 3 people and I’m in p5)
Writing
Very long work

Lol most kids hate school because it takes up free time and you wake up early. This article is over exaggerated.

2

This advice is all well and good, however these tips are a mute point in many cases. I am one of those parents that is and has been very involved in trying to get my son motivated, working with teachers, office staff, emails back and forth, counseling, working with the guidance counselors at the school, etc…etc.

All to no avail. The road blocks are “the standardized curriculum” and they cannot deviate from that as it is the “school board standard”. So my question is how in the world are you supposed to follow through with the suggestions when the legal factors and or school standards are the consistent weighting factor?

I am 9 and school is tough.

I am 9 and school is hard because our teacher makes us spend 15 minutes of are lunch walking laps and you cant think on an empty stomach. we do this every day: practice book spelling book Grammer book planner book math journal student math journal journal skills link study links art lunch music gym and recess no snacks and the teacher takes it hard on us and she will take 15 minutes of recess just for standing out of line. If you get to where you’re making a point and you’ve won the argument she just says, SO!

Oh! A big threat; many of us as parents have experienced the same with a child saying “I don’t want school anymore”; horribly felt; how to handle it and handling again will come up with what impacts….truly a sensible tactic.
Michele, your research and experience is certainly appreciable. Student’s interest and rather would say their real talent would always rely upon how they are being taught and getting engaged communally. Else, trying to get to the real sense of the students knowing what actual problems they have – would promptly be a great solution to them; most probably being explained with genuineness of importance going to school!

Anyone who has gone to the trouble of researching this subject online will have probably done all this first – I know I have!!!!
Teachers only pay lip service, I have taught in a few schools and teachers rarely put time into treating children as individuals – my only concern about home-schooling is that I don’t have the depth of knowledge for the senior school curriculum (which is where our problems are occurring)
Nobody has mentioned the Elephant in the room either – we could all send our children to lovely, forward thinking schools; with nice, small classes and a caring ethos – if we could afford the 10 grand a term fees!!!
Rant over

This wasn’t a helpful article at all, and I can see the usual crap coming from so called professionals here. Bullying can be subtle, and when a child feels they have no choice but to go to school every day, very different to us as adults who can choose our jobs, and places, its soul destroying for them. In my experience most teachers are patronising to parents, narrow minded, and sometimes downright ignorant. My son is 14, and very bright, but hates school. I’ve heard he’s been shown films containing explicit sex scenes for English lessons many times. He’s been informed there is no God. I have no faith in the UK education system, or so called child professionals. My sister in law is a child psychologist, she is hopeless with her own kids. I think you all forget children are individuals, with the right to be happy.

i hate my tourism class because the work I do in it is not relevant to my future, thus why I spend time expanding my vocabulary rather then doing pointless projects/assignments.

I REALLY REALLY HATE SCHOOL I WISH ITS SUMMER NOW...

[...] be easy, but if you hone in on what the root of the problem is, you can find a way to solve it. Here’s a great article on how to help kids deal with problem areas of the [...]

my son is 10 yrs old. he hates going to school. he loves to play mobile games.he is good at studies but he is not serious about studies.

5

Your correct I’m a student

This seems exactly what’s happening now but when I tell my parents they don’t really do much and expect me to deal with it on my own.

Please give thoughts on homeschooling if ur child absolutely hates school

2

So social conflict is normal and it is our job to make resilient kids? What if our child is naturally emotional and this conflict is affecting her wellbeing? We just tell her to get over it? I don’t think so!

Are you saying hating school is a prablam it’s so normal that NOThateing school is weard

2

Well, this is lacking of information, and the stuff that it does have is to basic. I have tried most of these things, and not many have worked.

“Let’s just assume that I know everything.”

I am surprised homeschooling wasn’t suggested.

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