Brutal Boys: Why (and How) Do Boys Bully, and What Can Parents Do about It?

By: Steve Palmer

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Most people assume that boys are more likely to be involved in bullying – as both perpetrators and victims – than girls. There is some truth to this idea, but it may have more to do with what we consider bullying than with a statistical truth. Boys are, in fact, more likely to be involved in bullying behavior that plays out physically. This type of behavior can include intimidation, harassment, humiliation, and physical violence. On the other hand, girls are more likely to engage in bullying behaviors that include social tactics such as spreading rumors, name calling, or excluding from groups – so-called “relational bullying” (Wang, Ianotti & Nansel, 2009).

The big question we usually have is Why do kids bully at all? Well, the answer to this question is complex, and there are likely individual, family and/or peer group dynamics at work. A summary of research (Swearer, 2012) suggests seven factors that are associated with why people bully:

1. modeling (having parents or peers who engage in coercive or aggressive behaviors);

2. insecurity (kids feel unsure of their social position and engage in bullying to try to feel better about themselves or impress others);

3. revenge (they are angry at being victims themselves and lash out at others);

4. belonging (the bully perceives he will gain acceptance or approval through showing dominance);

5. attention-seeking;

6. expectations (the bully may feel this sort of behavior is his or her role);

7. power (dominating another may feel like a way to be stronger oneself).

Given these various perceptions and motivations, some boys find themselves in a position of feeling that bullying another is the way to gain the social or personal situation they desire. If your child is bullying other kids, it’s important to step in and teach your child proper ways to behave with others, and to figure out what may have caused the behavior in the first place. Regardless of the intensity of your child’s bullying, it should be stopped as soon as possible, not only because it is hurtful to others but because it may indicate that your child is hurting as well.

BUT, before you step in...

...it is also important to note that as adults – whether parents, school officials, or community members – we need to recognize that some of what we call “bullying” may actually be developmentally appropriate conflict and is a normal part of growing up. It is our job to hold children accountable for their actions, correct their misbehavior, and help them how to make better choices in future situations, but it can do more harm than good if we begin to categorize developmentally appropriate conflict as "bullying". Click on the link below to learn more about recognize bullying when you see it.

That said, here are some everyday ideas, for both parents and caring adults to use in order to help us raise our boys to be sure they are not the kids who end up engaging in bullying or violent behavior. Or, if they end up being victims of bullying, they can rise above the immediate situation, and know that it does, indeed, get better.